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May 29, 2007: Crazy killers, the Man of Steel and Japanese horror highlight this week’s DVD releases
By Wade Gum |
Posted May 29, 2007 9:05 AM |
The Andy Griffith Show: The Complete Series
“Gee, I don’t own any season sets of ‘The Andy Griffith Show.’ I guess it’s time I own EVERY season of ‘The Andy Griffith Show!’” If that thought has ever gone through your head, it’s your lucky day. You can now own every single episode of the classic television program in one fell swoop.
You’ll be watching so many down-home episodes of small-town life that you’ll hear the show’s whistling theme song in your sleep. Eventually, you’ll hear it 24/7 and be driven insane. When the cops pick you up after your naked romp through a chicken coop with an ax, make sure to tell them it’s Andy Griffith’s fault and not those evil video games.
Circle of Iron: Special Edition
Cord the Seeker is looking to acquire the Book of All Knowledge from the wizard known as Zetan. To do so will require navigating through many perilous tricks and traps in a land before time. It sounds like one of those cheesy, painted fantasy novel covers come to life, but it’s actually based on a story by Bruce Lee and James Coburn!
A more unlikely writing duo probably doesn’t exist. How did those two start hanging out, let alone bang out a story like this together? Did the world’s greatest martial artist and “Our Man Flint” hold weekly Dungeons and Dragons sessions?
Drive Thru
Have you wanted to see Morgan Spurlock take an ax to the face ever since “Super Size Me”? Now’s your chance! The crazy clown mascot of a local fast food restaurant turns murderous and starts hacking off people’s limbs. No one is safe, not even anti-fast food crusader Spurlock.
Spoiler alert: The crazy killer is ultimately pardoned after inventing a tasty new treat from the remains of his victims. Yes, the true reason the McRib is only available for limited periods of time is revealed at last. The McRib is people!
Hannibal Rising
When did Hannibal Lecter first acquire his taste for human flesh and become a serial killer? That’s the astonishing secret you’ll learn after viewing this prequel. Why does the mystery have to be taken away from every horror villain? The mystery about the killer’s origin is what makes him scary in the first place! Learning that a murderous psychopath kills people because of daddy issues just ruins the mystique.
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 Ichi the Killer: Blood Pack
Takashi Miike is a master of gore. His episode of “Masters of Horror” was so graphic that it couldn’t even be shown on premium cable television like Showtime. He’s the biggest influence on Eli Roth’s “Hostel,” but Roth can’t even come close to some of the grotesque sights Miike has included in his cinematic output.
“Ichi the Killer” is the story of a sadomasochistic Yakuza enforcer who becomes enamored with Ichi, a killer even more warped and twisted than himself. If you’ve never seen the film before, keep in mind that it’s not the type you eat popcorn during. Perhaps the fancy blood-bag packaging for this newest DVD edition would tip you off to that fact.
Superman—Ultimate Collectors Edition Set
Do you love Superman? Do you REALLY love Superman? Do you have an infatuation with Superman that borders on psychotic? Do you have an infatuation with Superman that’s even creepier than Superman’s infatuation with Lois Lane in “Superman Returns”? If so, your train has finally arrived with this positively massive DVD collector’s set. As an added bonus, the transfers on the discs are actually correct this time, saving you the trouble of mailing DVDs back to Warner Bros.!
What does the set have to offer? Pretty much everything short of a chunk of kryptonite. It contains all four Superman films and tons of special features, including the long-anticipated Richard Donner cut of “Superman II.”
That’s all well and good, but true fans are mostly excited about the newly unearthed deleted scenes from “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace,” including Superman’s battle with a second Nuclear Man! Go ahead and get your Nuclear Man costume out of the closet and glue on those fake nails, it’s time to celebrate!
WWE Backlash
It’s time for the annual post-WrestleMania remix show in which many of the same matches from WrestleMania are done again, this time with special stipulations! Just think of it as WrestleMania 1.5 or something.
John Cena once again puts his WWE championship on the line against Shawn Michaels, but this time Randy Orton and Edge are involved in the proceedings. The Undertaker faces off against Batista once more, but this time it’s in a “Last Man Standing” match. The McMahons continue their crusade against ECW Champion Bobby Lashley in a three-on-one handicap match with Umaga at their side.
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