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July 24, 2007: Spawn, the Crow and the Crypt Keeper highlight this week’s DVD releases.
By Wade Gum |
Posted July 24, 2007 3:00 PM |
The Crow: Stairway to Heaven—The Complete Series
Based on the cult hit comic book and film, “The Crow: Stairway to Heaven” chronicles Eric Draven’s quest to avenge his girlfriend’s death from beyond the grave. Due to his heart being so full of sorrow and rage as he was murdered by vicious thugs, a crow brought his spirit back into his body so that he could begin his quest for vengeance. It’s a good thing his soul wasn’t rescued by a parakeet or something with lamer powers.
This series continued beyond the storyline presented in the original film. Taking out his girlfriend’s killers wasn’t enough for Eric Draven to return to the grave. Instead, he must restore the balance between good and evil before going back to the sweet hereafter. He should have read the fine print on his contract. They always get you on the details.
As an added bonus, the role of Eric Draven is played by Mark Dacascos, better known as the Chairman on “Iron Chef America.” He went from an undead crusader for good to the man who reveals strange ingredients in Kitchen Stadium. He doesn’t have a crow on his shoulder anymore—now he eats it.
The Number 23
It’s Jim Carrey’s darkest movie since “The Cable Guy,” except this one is a complete thriller and not just a black comedy. Carrey plays a man who stumbles onto a book called The Number 23 and begins to believe the book is based on his life. He becomes obsessed with finding out all the ways the number 23 factors into his life and gradually descends deeper and deeper into his bizarre madness.
Did you know if you count up every word in this write-up on the movie and divide by five, it equals 23? This is a sign! What it means is anybody’s guess. Incidentally, 23 is also how many people saw this film in theaters.
Spawn—The Animated Collection
Ah, Spawn. How this demonic superhero avoided a mention on “I Love the ’90s” is a complete mystery. Spawn was king of the world back then. People bought up the first issues of Spawn either to try and finance their college education or because they couldn’t get enough of the brooding antihero. Now his books are worth less than the paper they’re printed on. Copies of Spawn #1 are used as currency in certain parts of former Soviet Bloc countries.
Spawn was popular enough back then to get his own animated series in addition to the live-action film. It was on HBO, so it was full of all that violence and cussin’ that the kids are so fond of. Be forewarned, the series was canceled and ended on a bit of a cliffhanger. It’s probably safe to assume that Spawn would have inevitably triumphed over adversity though.
Stargate SG-1: Season 10
The ninth season of “Stargate SG-1” marked the departure of Jack O’Neill as the leader of SG-1. He was replaced by Cameron Mitchell and Stargate Command fell under the leadership of Hank Landry. Despite the loss of such a key cast member, the show kept on trucking with the new crew and prospered.
Season 10 marked the show’s final year on the airwaves and sent the SG-1 crew off with a bang. How can you possibly resist buying the very last appearance of the debonair Dr. Daniel Jackson? Besides, if you already own all the seasons up to this point, it’s not like you can stop buying them now. Bow before the altar of capitalism and fork over your cash, you sad little completist.
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 Tales From the Crypt: The Complete Sixth Season
The only thing more ghastly than the horror stories presented in this series are the Crypt Keeper’s painful puns. Maybe that’s why the Old Witch and the Vault Keeper don’t hang out with you anymore, Crypt Keeper. It’s hard to keep any friends when you subject them to some of the worst puns imaginable. Just shut up and stick with what you do best: EC Comics adaptations starring B-list actors and featuring copious amounts of nudity.
Kids today take their HBO shows for granted. They haven’t known a time without “The Sopranos” or “The Wire.” They don’t remember how it was back in the day, when the only two shows HBO had were “Dream On” and “Tales From the Crypt.” When you flipped to HBO, you had a 50 percent chance of seeing either the Crypt Keeper or Brian Benben on your television screen. If you saw the latter, it was a much more frightening experience than any of the Crypt Keeper’s yarns.
Weeds: Season 2
After her husband unexpectedly dies, a suburban housewife supports herself and her children by selling marijuana out of her home. Just what we need—another show that shatters our preconceptions about the pristine nature of magnificent gated communities. Perhaps the point of the gates is to keep the desperate housewives and drug pushers locked up and away from the rest of us.
It’s getting harder to have cool parents these days. Just a decade or so ago, your mom was the coolest on the block if she kept her refrigerator stocked with Sunny Delight, at least according to the commercials. Now your mom isn’t cool unless she’s dealing weed to your friends. At this rate of escalation, your mom won’t be cool in five years unless she regularly jumps Snake River Canyon on a rocket bike while chugging a bottle of cheap gin.
WWE Vengeance 2007
No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. It’s yet another WWE pay-per-view release! No one can hope to escape them! Don’t even bother trying to barricade your doors or board up the windows. The WWE pay-per-views will just keep coming and coming, destroying your home and running roughshod over your family and friends. They cannot be reasoned with, they cannot be killed and their bloodlust cannot be sated.
This year’s edition of the Vengeance pay-per-view was billed as the “night of champions” because every single WWE title was defended. It’s not often you see the cruiserweight title get defended on a pay-per-view these days, so there is a certain novelty to the show’s premise.
Zodiac
Hooray! David Fincher is back! Before this film, the director responsible for the dark and disturbing style exhibited in “Fight Club” and “Se7en” hadn’t made a film since “Panic Room” in 2002, which is really too long of a wait.
Based on the mysterious zodiac killings in the late 1960s, “Zodiac” is the story of the investigators and journalists who became obsessed with the killer and his kooky cryptograms. The final cryptogram the Zodiac Killer sent to the press was never deciphered, but it’s pretty likely that it said, “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”
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