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July 17, 2007: Sonic the Hedgehog, the Incredible Hulk and Patrick Swayze highlight this week’s DVD releases.
By Wade Gum |
Posted July 17, 2007 9:15 AM |
The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog
For those keeping track at home, this is the animated Sonic series in which the titular character eats lots of chili dogs, battles robot chickens and pals around with Miles “Tails” Prower all the time. The chili dog thing was a basic requirement of all ’90s cartoons. After the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had such great success working for the powerful Washington, D.C., pizza lobbyists, the other cartoons followed suit and had their heroes promote American junk food. This all came to a tragic end after several kids tried to emulate the Toxic Crusaders and eat radioactive waste.
Both animated Sonic series are also notable for having Jaleel White of “Family Matters” fame voice the blue hedgehog. Urkel-mania was at its height during the production of this animated series, so it makes sense that the animators would seek out such a talented individual to bring Sonic to life. His IMDb trivia page even says, “Will always be known for his character Steve Urkel,” like it’s an inescapable fact of life. Sorry Jaleel, you’re Urkel forever, no matter how many Sonic fans enjoy this series.
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 The Hills Have Eyes 2
The members of the National Guard are well trained and always prepared to do their duty for their country to the best of their abilities. Even so, they’re no match for radioactive mutants that live in the desert! Why are we wasting money teaching recruits combat techniques when we could just go find some hideously deformed freaks with superhuman size and strength to fight our battles for us?
Rumor has it that in this sequel, we finally learn whether the hills have eyes.
The Incredible Hulk: The Complete Second Season
Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Just for your own safety and convenience, here’s a list of all the things that make Dr. David Banner upset: watching Ang Lee’s “The Hulk,” police chase shows hosted by Sheriff John Bunnell, the continued use of save points in video games, being unable to find short-packed action figures at Wal-Mart, the fourth season of “Entourage,” getting orange Cheeto powder on his fingers and one-ply toilet paper, just to name a few.
In fact, pretty much everything makes the Hulk angry, so it’s probably a good idea just to steer clear of the guy. If you must, just buy the classic television series on DVD and watch him from the safety of your own home. Perhaps we can get Hulk on “Dr. Phil” and try to soothe the savage beast. In the worst-case scenario, he just goes crazy and disembowels Dr. Phil, so there really are no losers.
Red Dawn
Oh, Swayze, you’re making us crazy. He drove us wild with his sexy moves in “Dirty Dancing,” made us swoon with his rugged surfer look in “Point Break,” drove us to tears with his death in “Ghost” and let us all see just how dangerous the world of nightclub bouncing was in the Academy Award-winning “Road House.” Now he’s showing us what it means to be an American and fight for your country when the evil Commie scum comes a-calling.
In this alternate history yarn, the Soviet army invades the United States at the start of World War III. Far from sitting back and accepting their fates, Swayze and his friends (played by C. Thomas Howell and Charlie Sheen) take up arms and defend the Midwest with their steely good looks and impeccably perfect hair. The Soviets never had a chance against the power of Swayze.
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 Space Ghost and Dino Boy: The Complete Series
It’s true. Before Space Ghost became the world’s favorite late-night talk-show host, he was just another superhero in a Hanna-Barbera production with limited animation. It’s almost impossible to fathom, but these ancient Hanna-Barbera shows barely had more animation than their modern Adult Swim counterparts. Those two guys certainly knew how to maximize the use of animation cells. They should be commended for their excellent recycling of scenes.
Space Ghost wasn’t as big a name back in 1968 and couldn’t carry this show on his own. Therefore, the amazing Dino Boy got some screen time in the backup stories, riding dinosaurs and tagging along with dumb cavemen. Dino Boy was a young lad who crashed in a plane. His parents probably died in the crash, but that’s glossed over. Instead, Dino Boy has tons of fun living it up in the Savage Land. If “Street Fighter II” taught us anything, it’s that people who crash in the Amazon end up as electrical green beasts. This Dino Boy show is a fraud.
Showgirls
Lesson in showbiz No. 4726-A: When trying to distance yourself from a popular television show—let’s use “Saved By the Bell” as an example—sometimes starring in an NC-17 film about Las Vegas strippers is too drastic of a choice. Elizabeth Berkley can tell you this from experience. People might not call her Jessie Spano anymore, but no one is calling her at all these days, if you get the point. Take a more reserved choice when it comes to your post-television nudity, like Alyssa Milano did.
How did so many talented people produce such a bad movie? What hath you wrought, Paul Verhoeven? There isn’t even a single person being riddled with bullets as blood shoots out of every pore of their body in this film. How could the director of “Robocop,” “Total Recall” and “Starship Troopers” produce something this tame? Other, lesser directors are more than capable of making nudie films like this one. We can’t afford to waste precious resources like Paul Verhoeven on this stuff.
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