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A look at the biggest comics, movies, TV and video game releases for this week
By Wade Gum |
Posted June 4, 2007 9:35 AM |
MOVIES
Ocean’s Thirteen
Friday, June 8
Rated PG-13
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 Danny Ocean really needs to think about downsizing. When you’re working with 12 other guys, the profits really start to get cut up. Isn’t there a way he could pull off these heists with maybe five or six guys? Then again, he’s matching wits with Al Pacino this time around, so maybe he needs all the help he can get. That guy is clearly mentally unbalanced. Maybe not on a Gary Busey level, but he’s getting there.
Surf’s Up
Friday, June 8
Rated PG
Surf’s up, bro! A high tide is coming in and it’s bringing yet another computer-animated film starring penguins with it. These penguins don’t engage in any of that sinful dancing though. They just ride the waves like California surfer boys. Will the appeal of lovable penguins be enough to bring in audiences, or will the kiddies keep flocking over to “Shrek the Third”? Worse yet, will global warming lead to a future in which the only penguins that exist are computer-generated? Save us, Al Gore!
Hostel: Part II
Friday, June 8
Rated R
The endless parade of torture-centric horror films continues with the sequel to Eli Roth’s grisly “Hostel.” The first film featured three American guys going overseas and engaging in tons of debauchery before being kidnapped and tortured by wealthy sadists. The sequel aims to do something completely different. This time it’s three GIRLS going overseas and engaging in tons of debauchery before being kidnapped and tortured by wealthy sadists! How does Eli Roth come up with this stuff?
VIDEO GAMES
Tomb Raider Anniversary
Tuesday, June 5
PlayStation 2, PC
$29.99
Lara Croft was a phenomenon in the ’90s. She was on billboards, in music videos, in comic books and in movies. Oh yeah, she was also in some video games too. Perhaps it’s because the video games were made an afterthought that Lara eventually faded from the limelight and became a joke in the gaming community.
None of Lara’s recent transgressions can erase the fact that her first adventure was fun. Unfortunately, looking at early PS1 graphics these days can cause your eyeballs to explode from the sheer size of the polygons. Luckily for you, Tomb Raider has been remade with fancy new graphics, allowing you to relive the thrilling adventures of a grave robber in glorious high resolution.
Biker Mice From Mars
Tuesday, June 5
Nintendo DS
$19.99
Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Is this real? Does this truly exist? A Nintendo DS game released in the year 2007, based off a cartoon canceled in 1996? Yes and no. In all actuality, the Biker Mice are back in a brand-new series. However, those of us in the United States haven’t had the opportunity to see it yet.
With the rejuvenated success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and now the Biker Mice From Mars, can the Street Sharks, Toxic Crusaders and the Stone Protectors be far behind?
TELEVISION
“Guy’s Choice” Movie Marathon
Saturday, June 9
10 a.m.–noon EST and 2 p.m.–11 p.m. EST
Spike TV
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 It’s television your way—the guy way. Log on to spiketv.com and vote for what movies you want them to play this weekend. There’s plenty of great movies to choose from including “Hero,” “Fist of Fury,” “Sniper,” “Soldier,” “First Blood,” “Fight Club” and “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.” Only five movies will be played, so it’s up to you to determine what gets screened. You can practically smell the testosterone coming off the screen.
Hell’s Kitchen
Monday, June 4
9 p.m. EST
Fox
Gordon Ramsay is mad. Someone burned the risotto again and didn’t cook the chicken thoroughly enough. He’s going to sit down the offending chef and they’re going to have a heart-to-heart talk in which Gordon expresses his disappointment and encourages the chef to do better.
Yeah, right. No one wants to see that. They want to see Gordon verbally destroy the offending chef and reduce him to tears, then power bomb him through one of the kitchen tables. That’s what makes “Hell’s Kitchen” so great. A whole new season of novice chefs being pushed to the limit is upon us. It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, just how much Gordon rips into them in the process.
COMICS
Daredevil: Battling Jack Murdock #1
Zeb Wells (W); Carmine Di Giandomenico (A)
Marvel Comics
A comic based on a boxer? Sure, he’s Matt Murdock’s daddy, but he’s still a boxer. No one watches boxing anymore. Will they be willing to read about it? Maybe if Jack Murdock was a mixed martial artist, the kiddies would be more interested. If you’re still a fan of the sweet science and enjoy watching pugilists go at it in the center of the ring, perhaps you’ll enjoy this tale of fighting people and personal demons alike. It can’t be anymore disappointing than the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight.
New Warriors #1
Kevin Grevioux (W); Paco Medina (A)
Marvel Comics
The New Warriors were just another forgotten casualty of the ’90s comic book industry until Civil War. Night Thrasher? Seriously? Anyways, after the infamous actions of the New Warriors that led to the deaths of thousands in Stamford, they’re capitalizing on their newfound notoriety with a brand-new series. Not much is known about these “new” New Warriors, but they don’t seem to respect authority very much, Iron Man in particular. These darn kids and their rabblerousing.
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