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The Cart Olympics: The Quest For Durability
by BkdTatrHrt
Welcome to The Cart Olympics! We have an exciting set of events ready for you today fans, all with one thing in common: testing the durability of NES carts. The three contestants we have represent the three generations of NES games, first, second, and obviously, third. Let's give a round of applause for our brave contestants!
You'll also notice that all of these games were published by Nintendo. Consider it a sort of control. Alright, enough chit chat! It's time for the FIRST EVENT!
EVENT #1: The Tree Drop!
The three contestants climbed to the top of a semi-high tree on the Olympic grounds (30 feet tall is an estimation), and bravely threw themselves off of it in the quest for durability. As they fell down, they crashed and slammed into many of the branches below. The final result? Hardly noteable. These carts barely even had a scratch on them after this event. These guys are real tough cookies!
EVENT #2: Slam Dancing! We then tied string to all three carts and using strength and momentum, slammed them into an oak tree as hard as we could. It broke our hearts to have to do such a horrible thing to these contestants, but they insisted. What great sports they are! The final result brought some of the judges to tears:
NES Open fell to the might of the titanic oak tree. He shattered into numerous pices and flew all over the Olympic grounds. We found this quite suprising since he took almost no damage in event #1. So the third generation cart is out of contention. It just goes to show that they don't make em' like they used to!
EVENT #3: PRESSURE!
Now it's just down to SMB 3 and Tennis! Who will win? Maybe our next event will answer that question. Both of these carts will have to try and survive having this log put on top of their fragile bodies to advance. Can they take the pressure? Let's find out!
Mario seems to be holding his own out there! He's an iron man!
The result of this event is in! It seems that Tennis took some minor cart damage, but you can't call any damage in these games minor. Every little scratch counts and could bring your further to losing the event. Amazingly, Super Mario 3 didn't take any cart damage, but it appears that he is starting to pry apart at the seems. It doesn't look good for good old Mario.
EVENT #4: BRING THE PAIN!
For this event, we tied up each of the carts to a branch and wacked them with baseball bats, after pumping up on Androx of course. The result of this one? Tennis took almost no damage, but Super Mario Bros. 3 went flying after the hit. We searched all day for it and finally found him. He was unconscious and could provide no comment. His cart was almost completely pried apart at this time.
Now, we join the games LIVE for the final event...
EVENT #5: THIS IS GETTING STALE, JUST BASH THEM INTO A TREE UNTIL THEY DIE!
Okay fans, this is the moment we've all been waiting for! Tennis is running at full speed...here comes the jump...OH MY! He just SMASHED himself into that tree at maximum velocity! Now it's Mario's turn! Here comes the run, he's got good speed, he's jumping...OH MY GOD! MARIO! MARIO! MARIO IS DOWN! MARIO IS DOWN! WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER FOLKS!
What a sad day for Mario fans everywhere. It appears first generation NES carts have pulled this game out and Tennis is the victor! Let's watch the closing ceremony.
Now, we pause for a moment of silence as the lighting of the torch begins...
As Tennis bathes in the fallen bodies of his rivals, this announcer can't help but think back on the golden days of the NES, and those marvelous first generation carts of yore. These oldies but goodies have really proven their staying power in more ways than one. This is BkdTatrHrt, signing off for The Cart Olympics. Join us next time for even more amazing cart battles!
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