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In a suprising move unseen by many, the famous company Nintendo, maker of the Nintendo 64 and many other popular systems, have formed a joint partnership with the world renowned Ronco, makers of the the Popeil Pasta Maker, the Ronco Bagel Cutter, not the mention the Ronco Door Saver! Oh yeah, Ronco made some Showtime Rotisserie Oven thing, but you've probably never heard of that.
Your cars will never be in danger of hitting each other in the garage EVER AGAIN! Just set the door saver and...FORGET IT!
Here's what the head of Nintendo's marketing department had to say about this bold new partnership:
"Nintendo make many unsavory products when Nintendo start out as successful business! Nintendo try to sell unsuccesfuly products, but no one want Nintendo products, not even Americans! Nintendo run out of room in storehouse, and Nintendo do not want to throw away old products! So we sit and think of who can sell Nintendo crappy products!
"After many minutes, we get tired of thinking so we watch television. After exciting sumo competition and deviant Japanese porn, we see amazing commercial for super oven that can cook anything! This man was expert salesman! So Nintendo give products to Ron Popeil because Ron Popeil can sell anything! Ron Popeil is a-okay number ONE! HA HA HA HA!"
The first infomercial is expected to air the first weekend of February. We here at the NES Triforce have caught a sneak preview of this exciting infomercial in which Ron Popeil promotes an old Mario water squirter. Lets see if he can work some magic!
Ron: You see friends, this Mario Water Squirter is capable of squirting up to TWENTY FIVE WHOLE FEET. I was looking through a catalogue, and I saw LOTS of imitation water squirters. But let me tell you something, all of these water squirters only went upwards of 24 feet, and they didn't have Mario on them either! These water squirters also reached prices of TWO DOLLARS. (audience gasps). Well, you're not gonna pay that much for MY Mario Water Squirter. You're not gonna pay two dollars for this Mario water squirter, but believe me, it's worth that price. No, if you call this number RIGHT NOW, you'll only pay ONE DOLLAR for this amazing Mario water squirter! In addition, we'll throw in a FREE FLAVOR INJECTOR to put things OTHER than water in your Mario Water Squirter! (audience claps)
When you buy these Mario Water Squirters in the store, they'll come in this fancy package with Mario pointing at a Goombah. They'll come with the water squirter, but unfortunately, they don't come with a flavor injector, which is WHY you need to order this by calling RIGHT NOW. This flavor injector boosts the entire package up to a FIVE DOLLAR VALUE! You can put ANYTHING in this flavor injector! You can put eight quarter pounds hamburgers, five baby back ribs, even salmon! If you put your flavor injector on top of the Mario Water Squirter, it steams vegetables and keeps them piping HOT!
Stagehand: Uhh...Ron...the flavor injector can't...
Ron: That's my stagehand Steve. He has EIGHT kids in his house, and that's when the flavor injector gets very handy. He cooks hamburgers on his Mario Water Squirter all the time! It's a big help, right Steve?
Stagehand Steve: Uhh...
Ron: RIGHT, STEVE?
Stagehand Steve: Yeah Ron. It works wonders with hamburgers.
(Audience claps)
Ron: You know what? Forget THIS. I've been too easy with this product. THIS IS A GENUINE MARIO WATER SQUIRTER FOR GOD'S SAKE! Call now and i'll throw in my patented Popeil Pasta Maker for FREE. The entire package of Mario Water Squirter, Flavor Injector, and Pasta Maker is only...
Old Man On Right: HA HA HA! This is the greatest DEAL EVER!
Ron: I don't see all of your people ordering Mario Water Squirters! You will order Mario Water Squirters or I will KILL YOU! I will KILL YOU IN THE FACE! IN THE FACE!
Stagehand Steve: Calm down for a minute Ron...
Ron: SHUT YOUR MOUTH STEVE! I'll go to your house, RAPE your wife, KILL her, and then SET her down in a 6-foot ditch and FORGET about her when the cops question me! Buy a MARIO WATER SQUIRTER OR I WILL KILL YOU.
Ron: In all seriousness folks, you need to own one of these awesome Mario Water Squirters. If you don't believe me, listen to what Jack Zacky of Zacky farms has to say.
Jack Zacky: I've been in the chicken business for over 20 years, and I know what good chicken tastes like. If you want a fine product that makes delicious chicken, buy the Ronco Mario Water Squirter today!
Ron: Thanks Zacky. Lets listen to what some of our customers have to say about the Mario Water Squirter.
Woman: I just got married and unfortunately I'm not the best cook in the world. That's why I bought the Mario Water Squirter from Ronco. It makes great beef tacos and my husband loved them. He left me a few weeks ago because he said, "You have the ugliest freaking face I've ever seen." He won the Mario Water Squirter in the court settlement, but I plan on buying another one for only 4 easy payments of 39.95 after I sell all my possessions and my house!
Man: The Ronco Mario Water Squirter is GREAT at dispensing lubrication in all those hard to reach places! With all the money I saved on it, my lover and I had enough to buy matching flower aprons for this infomercial!
Other Man: Insensitive bastard!
Woman: The Ronco Mario Water Squirter allows me to expertly squirt baby lotion on my husband when changing his diaper!
Man: Brown choo-choo left tunnel again D:
Ron: Please, order a Ronco Mario Water Squirter today. It makes a great gift for any holiday. Your satisfaction is guranteed. If you're dissatisfied with your Ronco Mario Water Squirter, you'll keep it at home and deal with it, or i'll kill you in your sleep. HA HA HA. Seriously, order the water squirter...NOW!
HA HA HA HA! Nintendo get Ron to sell crappy products and make money! Stupid American devils! Now to execute Plan B...
Don Lapre: You GOTTA buy this Mega Man mask....
Don Lapre: YOU GOTTA!
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