Let The Twisted Tale CONTINUE!

Miss Cleo said that she had drawn "The Lovers." Apparantly, this is what that card signifies: PAST: LOVERS -- The urge for union is powerful—both emotional and sexual. Also indicated here may be a moral or ethical crossroad—a temptation between right and wrong. You have established your beliefs… now you must follow through. Since I don't have a significant other at this time, I can only guess she's talking about my right hand. In the future, I may be tempted to cheat on it with my left hand. I have stuck with my right hand all this time, and I must do the right thing and not cheat on it. Thank YOU Miss Cleo for setting me straight.

I actually stared at this fortune card for at least five minutes trying to find out what the hell it was talking about. My existing obstacle is lack of humor? My existing obstacle is subservant? If an obstacle is subservant, is it really an obstacle? Who knows. All I do know is that I got the freaking devil card, and that can't be good at all.

If you look at the next card Cleo drew really hard, you can barely make out Pat Sajack above the wheel with sharp horns protruding from his temples. Eerie. Yes Pat, I believe I can solve the puzzle. It's "Eternal Damnation." Do I when a trip to the blistering hell fires yet? I was able to discipher Cleo's mangled accent to learn the true meaning of "Wheel Of Fortune": PRESENT: WHEEL -- This card indicates that the destiny of your relationship has yet to be decided. Your relationship is at a turning point, and your luck is very strong. You may very soon see what you should do… trust your instincts, and follow them! Who the hell wrote this explanation, the writers of Mega Man? You may very soon see what you should do...trust your instincts, and fight for everlasting peace! I'm starting to doubt the true authenticity of Cleo.

That's pretty damn accurate. I spent an hour practicing my swinging hammer technique in Karate Kid for NES the other day. I am 100% ashamed of that, and realize that my life is a disgrace. Thanks for bringing up such painful emotions Taboo, I really appreciate it. The fact that I also spent up to an hour playing Taboo and writing this article also leads me down a painful path full of embarassment and anguish. Only one thing can sum up my mood now: D:

FUTURE: TOWER -- Your relationship situation may change suddenly and dramatically…expect a surprise! WHOO! I can't wait! What could it be? A pony? A rocking horse? I can't wait for daddy to bring me a great present with a little purple bow on the top! HEE HEE HEE. I'm all in bunches now!

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO PORNO 8-bit porn. Got some?

EMPEROR -- Perhaps you have had an encounter with legal matters or authority figures. Order will rise out of chaos; perhaps you will take a leadership role. You heard it from Cleo herself. Out of this whole election mess, I will rise as the supreme power of this country. Prepare for a 8-bit dictatorship! I will give all NES players tax cuts, and Taboo will serve as my chief advisor of all affairs. First order of business: Destroy Sony and make all new games 2D. I've got to go soon and prepare transition plans.

First the priestess, and now the empress. These tarot chicks just can't get enough of the old Tato, eh? I'm guessing this card means i'll be paying some type of child support after impregnating the high priestess above. She was asking for it man!

CHARIOT -- You are very close to reaching your goal if you haven’t already, you will succeed. Be confident, this card represents strong and definite victory. The next card Cleo drew only solidifies the fact that I will control this country soon. I've already decided to appoint OSG as the Canadian goodwill ambassador to convince his fellow Canadians that they need not fear the new United States, which I will soon rename the NESticle Nation. Then, after we have gained their trust, we shall invade and capture the Canadians, and continue conquering foreign nations and seizing their rare, pirate NES carts. Victory shall be ours!

Yes ladies, this is the beloved wizard from the game's title screen. No autographs please. He's decked out in a one piece silk purple robe, and says his turn ons are bat's tounge, lizard's tail, and hog wart powder. This is the man your mother warned you about ladies! Be careful around this lady killer!

KING OF CUPS -- It looks very good for you. You help others, offer good advice and are able to see right to the heart of the matter. It appears i'll have to help others with my new found leadership. I guess I could appoint various people I know to run my new country, including the staff of the triforce. I've since decided that all members of the NES conquering army shall use no guns. Instead they will read books about Dragon Feet, Stone Fists, and Acro Circus. They will becoem the most brutal fighting force on the planet, and we shall rule over the world with an iron fist!

After my ranting and raving about conquering the world, Taboo has to come along and spoil my fun. I'm supposed to have patience at a time like this? ARGH! Who do I trust, Taboo or Miss Cleo? I'm so torn!

You mean this article doesn't end here? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Unfortunately, the last part of the article is still to come. If you think you can possibly endure it, feel free to read it.