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As I sat down one day watching TV, I saw a commercial pop up advertising a tarot card reading service. I was immediately taken with the ad, especially the tarot reader in it, only known as Cleo. She's a hot mama with a heavy Jamican accent, and boy can she read tarot cards! I got to thinking if Taboo could tell fortunes as well as an authorized tarot card reader, and that's how this all began...
Let The Twisted Tale Begin...
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I was a bit nervous about calling Cleo, after all, she is THE best Tarot Card reader alive and has a thick Jamican accent. There's no way I can even compete with that. I finally summoned up the courage to dial Cleo, and thus my adventure began...
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As I pulled the Taboo cart out of my storage bins, I couldn't help but notice some odd substance encrusted on it. Could it have acquired this puzzling encrustion somewhere in the middle east? Was this Taboo cart an ancient relic, stolen from a sacred temple and traded to some lucky traveler at an Arabian trade stand? Was it cursed? Did all who use it die a horrible death? The only way to find out was to put it in my NES and hit POWER.
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Before I was allowed to talk to the mysterious enchantress known only as Cleo, I was prompted by a recording stating that this Tarot Card Reading line was "For entertainment purposes only. You must be at least 18." I froze. I could just lie and say that I was 18, but Cleo would know I was lying. She is a tarot master for god's sake! She'd see right through me! I went through my mind, searching for an answer. I only had a precious few seconds left before I would be speaking to Cleo. I decided to go through with it, and if she caught me in my lie, I would hang up the phone. Hopefully she would have pity on me.
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When I fired up the Taboo quote, I was greeted by a perplexing warning/challenge. The game seemed to be trying to tell me to get out while I still can, to not envoke the awesome powers of the Taboo cart, while at the same time, beckoning me to challenge the mystical forces and peer into my future. I couldn't resist the temptation, and prepared to witness the incredible powers of Taboo, the TIME MACHINE on Nintendo!
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I was finally connected to the member of the high council of tarot mystics, Cleo, and our conversation began.
Cleo: Ah, you decided to find out about your futah, eh hon?
Tato: Not really. I'm just working on an article...
Cleo: Oh no son. Why dontcha tell mama Cleo ya name 'for we staht?
Tato: But if you're a mystic, shouldn't you not need me to tell you my...
Cleo: TELL ME YAH NAME!
I find it odd I had to tell a mystic my name and birthdate, but I am not one to challenge the ways of the mystics, and so I complied.
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What the hell? I'm trying my best to believe that all this Tarot stuff is real, but whenever i'm asked for my name and such, I lose a little faith. Perhaps i'm getting Tarot readers and psychics confused. If someone can tell my fortune through cards, I think that they should be able to at least know my name. Bah. I should not be questioning the tarot readers. They are so powerful and i'm just some chump working on a NES website. Putting my fate in their hands is definately the best way to go.
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I was just about to ask Cleo my question, when she interrupted me and broke into some nonsense about how I should beware today because i'm a Cancer or something. Whatever.
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Hey man, it's an eternal question which no philosophers have ever been able to answer. What better way to answer this question and put the rumors to rest. Besides, I couldn't fit the question about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop onto Taboo's small papyrus scroll.
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Cleo: I'm ah' shufflin' the cards hun, and soon we shall find out yah fortune honey. You just trust Cleo and I tell you what you need to know, okay honey?
I stood next to the phone for five minutes, listening to Cleo shuffling the cards. For a minute I thought that this might be a sneaky way to keep me on the phone longer so I would have to pay more, but I quickly forced that thought out of my head. There's no way Cleo would EVER pull something like that.
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Rare could have just cut some corners and axed the awesome card shuffling part of Tarot card readings, but no, being the true patriots of the occult that they are, Rare made sure to include one of the, if not THE most exciting card shuffling sequences ever seen in a video game. Not since Solitare have I seen such a thrilling sequence. I also commend Rare for putting this shuffling on top of an awesome background that changes color. It's an interesting throw back to the impressionist era of art, and really makes you think while your fate is being determined by a Nintendo game.
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Cleo: Ahh. I drew the king of cups.
Tato: I don't need my fortune told, I was just wondering how much wood...
Cleo: Ah, the king of cups is tellin me you be seein' someone out of wedlock!
Tato: But i'm not...
Cleo: Ah, but you be seein her dis weekend, no? I don't want you be seein' her dis weekend, notin' bot trouble be comin from it, yahear?
Tato: Ok. I won't see her.
Cleo:Ah, but y'know what dere? I be seein ya goin anyway! ah ah ah! Honey, i'm just tellin ya notin' can come from it, i'm tryin to save ya tha heartache!
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Well, lemme see about this. The quality of my schoolwork is starting to suffer, my popularity is stagnant is isn't increasing at all, and i'm constantly bound by rules preventing me any freedom whatsoever. Taboo may be off on this one...wait a minute. With my decreasing grade point average and my popularity sagging, soon i'll probably find myself dropping out of high school and having true freedom! So what if i'll have to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life, i'll be free WHOOOOOOOOO!
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How will my future end up? It's all in the hands of Taboo: The Time Machine On Nintendo and Cleo, the Tarot reader to the stars! Watch for part 2 of my thrilling tarot card reading experience!
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