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Recently, I caught up with the man known as Captain Commando. If you don't know who this international celebrity of video games is, then go pick up any Capcom box or instruction manual. You'll see his gleaming mug telling you what a wise choice you have made by purchasing Capcom products. He also had his own self-titled video game in the early ninties, and has recently appeared in the popular Marvel vs Capcom fighting games. Here's what he had to say:
Tato: Thanks for granting us your time Captain.
CC: No problem. Anything for my fans.
Tato: Right off the bat, are you are real Captain, or is that just a title you gave yourself?
CC: Are you implying that I didn't go through years of military training to become an official captian? Because if you are, then this interview is over.
Tato: Er, no. Not at all sir.
CC: I'm an intergalactic sherrif bub.
Tato: About that. You've changed your appearance numerous times over the years. When you first appeared in Capcom instruction manuals, you had a sort of punkish spiked hair and carried around two swords. Then a little later, you changed you look to resemble that of a U.S. astronaut, and you had a monkey on your shoulder. Now you've got the cyber-sherrif look going for you. Did these styles represent the signs of the times, or something more?
CC: I've always looked at myself as an individual. I don't follow fashion trends, I set them. You can believe whatever anyone tells you, but my original punk look defined cool as we know it today, and i'll never believe otherwise. I changed to the astronaut look as a protest of the U.S. space program sending monkeys into space, but no one caught onto it. The cyber-sherrif thing is just my way of being myself you know?
Tato: What did you have against the U.S. space program?
CC: Well, in the future where I come from, the U.S. is responsible for the space station known as Sector Z, and I don't know who designed it, but they obviously had their head up their ass. I spent a lifetime inside that spacestation searching for the exit. Capcom thought the whole thing was funny and decided to make a game about it. I wasn't amused at all.
Tato: Ah, I see. Now about your arcade game. You had to share the spotlight in your arcade game with three co-stars. Did all go well on the set of that game?
CC: I got along okay with Mack the Knife, but that was because I didn't see him much. He's been dead for hundreds of years, and his stench was so awful I couldn't stand to be anywhere near the guy. Hanzo was always out "being stealthy" , so I never saw that guy either. But that damn baby, ARGH. That little pre-madonna was always demanding something and crying if he didn't get it. He made that game a horribly unpleasent experience, and the fact that people chose to play as him in the game based on his cuteness only served to increase his ego. I was ready to go when that game was finished, and I didn't talk to any of my co-stars for many years, until we worked together again on Marvel Vs. Capcom, and then we only had a quick handshake or two before we shot the game footage.
Tato: You got an action figure made of you based on the M vs C series of games. How do you feel about it?
CC: I like the figure and all, but those guys at Toy Biz obviously weren't that concerned with the quality of the figure. They spent twice as much time on Strider Hiryuu's figure as mine, those bastards.
Tato: Do you mind telling me how you became employed at Capcom touting their products?
CC: Well, in the year 2023, Capcom was in horrid financial state. No one was buying their newest titles, Resident Evil 27 and Super Intergalactic Turbo Hyper Fight Street Fighter III Quadrupile Impact Chapion Edition, and they were close to bankruptcy. I helped them out by beating the gaming magazines into submission, forcing them to shill Capcom's games for all they were worth. And oh yeah, I destroyed every other game company as well. That might have had something to do with it. To say thanks, they offered me a job touting Capcom products started at their birth, and I went back in time and started righting my linear notes for NES titles. That's how it all started.
Tato: Wow. The future sounds like a very sad place. I want to thank you for this interview, and would also like to ask you what this is: Captain Commando. You were on Raw is War?
CC: This interview is over.
*Captain Commando left at this point and the interview ended on a sad note*
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