Reviewed by BkdTatrHrt
By Taxan
1988
Plot
The standard platform horse crap. An evil witch has taken control of a magical world inhabited by faries and the such, and it's up to one little boy named Hao to save the day.<"Sarcasm Begin">"
It's obvious Taxan really strived to write a plot that would inspire young children to do right in the world and would make waring nations see the error of their ways and make peace once more. The plot was SOOO good, members of the Newbery Award council concidered making a new literature category for video game plots to give awards to.
Keep in mind the true intentions of Taxan's plot while playing Mystery Quest, and always look into the subtext and hidden meanings of things you see, for that was Taxan's true intention all along.
1% out of 20%
Sound
Go out into the vastness of the world wide web and find a four second clip of Care Bears music or something cute like that. Then open it up and play it on endless loop while jabbing your arm with a sharp thumbtack.
If you do so you know how much pain can be intensified by the wrong combination of music. It works the same way in Mystery Quest. It's already a bad game as is, but with the ultra short sound clips the creators of the game refer to as "music" playing in the background, it turns into a super ultrosuki deepest fire lakes in hell bad game.
Was this the true intention of Taxan, or the mastermind Hao at work?
1% out of 15%
Graphics
These graphics remind me of some of the horrid pictures I would draw in Mario Paint with the little brick stamps and such, trying to make a screen that at least looked partially like a scene from a video game if you used your imagination enough.
It looks like the guys at Taxan made a few templates, and arranged them in different patterns trying to trick you into thinking it was a new graphic. And they didn't even make good templates! A green block with a dark green circle in it isn't my idea of a fine graphic.
The characters in the game look like South Park rejects, and all boast a whopping two frames of animation (well, a few of them anyways)!
3% out of 15%
Gameplay
As if it could get any worse. This game boasts almost NO gameplay mechanics, and the ones it does boast are awful.
The game basically consists of walking through a horridly constructed overworld to get to a castle, navigating through the horribly laid of castle for hours, and then going to the next one.
And it doesn't become the least bit interesting throughout the entire game! It only becomes more and more bone grindingly painful until you can't take it anymore and hastily switch the power button off, then go take a hot shower to wash the mental filth off that you get while playing Mystery Quest.
1% out of 15%
Spiffy Extras
Here's a run down of all the great extra things about this game:
1. You don't have to buy it.
2. You don't have to play it.
3. You don't have to even look at it.
If you ask me, those are some damn good extras.
10% out of 10%
Fun & Longetivity
Unless you're some kind of sick bonage freak who enjoys pain, you're not going to be putting this thing back in your Nintendo and having fun with it ever. The most fun you can have with this game is to convince one of your friends to play it, and laugh at their reaction to the horrid masterpiece that is Mystery Quest.
If you're lucky enough, you may just get to see your friend scratch his eyeballs and flesh off just before he goes into an epileptic seizure and rampages through your neighborhood on a quest to murder the employees of Taxan, but get stopped on a boat to Japan by thirty F.B.I. agents with elephant guns.
Mystery Quest brings out the best in people.
5% out of 25%
If you don't believe that this is one of the worst games ever, then don't go play it for yourself. I'm sorry, but I cannot willingly tell any human being to play this game, no matter how much of an asshole or how naive they are.
Overall: 21% out of 100%
