| |
 
| |
|
 |
|
I honestly don't know how to start this article. What could I possibly say to explain the existence of a comic book based on Kevin Nash? There's just no logical explanation to be found. I suppose it all started back when some misbegotten fools gave the Ulimate Warrior his own comic book in which to spout his insane ramblings.
Apparantly Kevin Nash couldn't stand to be shown up be someone, even if they were legally retarded. And so a Kevin Nash comic book was made, with the story being written by Kevin Nash himself. It's nice to know that Kevin Nash was on the project to lend it some credibility.
Of course, he took a few liberties with his character. Kevin Nash, the man who can't even walk across a ring without blowing out his leg, becomes a super fighter who can take down helicopters. Kevin Nash, the man notorious for holding down other people, becomes the man who helps out the downtrodden. Kevin Nash, a man who makes his living by getting injured and then drinking beer for a year, becomes a futuristic freedom fighter.
It's nice to know that Kevin Nash helped keep this ego project grounded in reality. Let's me catch you up to the thrilling plot of NASH:
In the year 2000, armageddon never came. No final battle at the world's end. No phantom horsemen ringing in the apocalypse. The truth was worse than that. For when famine, pestilence, and death arrived at last...they were entirely of human origin!
It was the work of the citadel. A secret cabal led by a man named Cyrus Storm. A man whose vision was exceeded only by his ruthlessness.
Storm forsaw the food shortage that an ever-expanding world population would bring, and that was a scenario he planned to avoid with every means at his disposal.
Releasing a deadly, but selective virus into the environment, Storm and his cabal decided who would live and who would die. Controlling the fate of every individual on Earth and ridding the world of any believed to be defective.
To maintain the purity of the upper class that found salvation in the citadel's order, huge domes were constructed around the world's great cities. The affluent lived in the plague-free security of the domes...while the lower class subsisted in the diseased, forgotten wastelands.
Those wasteland dwellers who survived the virus soon faced another calamity- starvation. Food had become the most precious commodity on the planet, and it was hoarded for the upper class.
Food shipments destined for the domed cities became targets of highwaymen and wasteland mauraders. But these outlaws rarely stood a chance against truckers trained in military combat.
Now life in the wastelands is bad and getting worse.
The poor and the hungry face a bleak future.
A future that would be entirely without hope were it not for one thing:
A Man.
A Legend.
Called...
NASH
The comic begins with the super original concept of a food convoy traveling across the wastelands to deliver food to the rich. A poor vagrant lady begs the convoy for some food to fill her empty stomach, so they strike a compromise and fill her stomach full of buckshot.
The kind souls that they are, they decide to fill the mouth of her hungry grandson as well, but someone steps in and crushes the gun barrel- a four-hundred foot tall sexy giant named Nash. Nash dispatches the entire convoy with grenades and violence.
I personally would have enjoyed it if he had just given them the big boot and a poochie bomb. The villagers are happy to be saved by a man as awesome and sexy as Kevin Nash, yes, THE Nash.
Kevin Nash made sure to write some dialogue praising him as "a living legend" or "the greatest ever" at least twice per page so that you never forget the man, the legend, called...NASH.
The evil Cyrus Storm gets wind of Nash's exploits and dispatches a crew to kill him.
It's odd that someone would include such a bad thing about themselves in a comic they wrote, but I guess we're supposed to be impressed by the fact that he's having sex. I have a suspicion that having sex is too strenuous an activity for Kevin Nash these days.
Surprisingly, the ground isn't moving because of Kevin Nash giving the villager an earth-shattering orgasm, it's a huge explosion rocking the camp! Nash rushes out of the tent somehow fully clothed to witness all the villagers burning.
The entire squadron that Cyrus sent arrives, but they're no match for Nash who swings up into the helicopters and destroys all of them. The only soldier to escape his wrath is "Generic Soldier in Armor who has a mysterious past with Nash #1."
 The best panel in the comic, gurranteed to brighten your day.
The two trade blows for what seems like an eternity but is in reality only four panels of terrible action. After such a titanic battle, Nash shoves a spike up the evil guy's nose.
Bradshaw's bathroom hazing claims yet another victim.True to form, Nash is too lazy to save the world.
After narrowly defeating the generic villain, Nash is shot up by a mysterious assailant. Who would do such a thing? CHECK BACK NEXT ISSUE! I feel that the comic is much better if you pretend that it isn't to be continued and instead assume that Nash is dead.
If you were impressed by the futuristic exploits of Kevin Nash, you can purchase a copy from Kevin Nash's official website, and it's even signed by Kevin Nash himself! For the low low price of 99 dollars, you can own a piece of comic book history, signed by the masterful writer who penned it!
BUY IT NOW!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
