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Porno movies started out as purely films with people having sex, no glitz, no glamour. Just the bare essentials. But then came a magical movie called Deep Throat, which gave audiences a captivating plot to justify a woman having sex with tons of men.
That film starred Linda Lovelace as a frustrated young woman who couldn't get any sexual pleasure. She took a trip to the doctor where he discovered that somehow her clitoris was located at the back of her throat. By looking at the title you can probably guess the doctor's solution.
I'm sure that audiences and critics alike would have applauded for Deep Throat's brilliant story if they had both of their hands free while watching it. Porno movies were finally justified as art when Deep Throat was nominated for the 1972 Oscar for Best Screenplay, but lost to The Legend of Boggy Creek. Debate still rages over which really deserved the award.
In Deep Throat's wake came a host of imitators. Now that the insane idea of having a plot in a movie where people fuck had been realized, everyone wanted in on the craze. In fact, the porno-plot industry decided to follow their Hollywood brothers and adapt books and hit shows into porno versions.
One of those fine adaptations is what I'll be reviewing today. Today, we are celebrating Bill Osco. A mere man who invisioned a masterpiece. A man who was unafraid of the rules and boundries of society. A man who stood up among the masses and said, "HEY, I'm going to make a movie out of Alice in Wonderland, but with fucking." And the masses applauded.
And so seeing his vision accepted with such fanfare, he decided to go one step further. "HEY!" he shouted again, "I'm going to make Alice fuck everybody, and then SING ABOUT IT!" The masses went crazy! Bill Osco was making a bold step here. He was going where no sleezy porn director had gone before- an X-rated porno musical based on a beloved children's novel. It was 1976, and it was time for Alice In Wonderland- Bill Osco style.
The film opens in the same type of format as Blair Witch, showing that Bill Osco was genius enough to imagine the whole "lost footage" angle a full 23 years before those faggots. I'm not aware of which live action adaptation of Alice in Wonderland the opening refers to, but that's because I'm not gay.
I'm implying that only a gay person would watch Alice in Wonderland, GET IT? Hahaha. I'm just kidding. I myself was a fan of the Disney Channel's hip new take on Alice in Wonderland called "Adventures in Wonderland," which starred an in-your-face sassy black mama as the Red Queen.
I think Lewis Carroll would agree that while his character of the Red Queen was good, she really could have benefited from being a bit more sassy, or perhaps a bit more black. Maybe someone should revise the book and throw a few "You go, girl!" lines into the book.
The film opens with blue-collar Balki walking into a library and propositioning sweet Alice for a date. Alice is a mild mannered librarian who is too absorbed in her work to give a slobby guy like Balki a chance into her panties. In fact, she's so absorbed in her work that she doesn't even care about having sex and wonders what the big deal is.
Balki's pretty pissed, as he certainly knows what the big deal is. He calls Alice a three-year-old in a woman's body. The equipment is ready, he says, but the mind isn't.
Alice agrees but doesn't see anything wrong with that, and forces Balki out the door so that he can go get Larry involved in another wacky scheme. She sits back down at her desk and begins to go back to her work when she pulls out a delightful book known as Alice in Wonderland.
I'm guessing this copy isn't the porno version, as it isn't inside a sleek black plastic bag and Alice is still wearing her frilly dress...for now. This Alice never had the chance to read the book as a child, and then starts getting depressed over all the stuff she never did.
Unexpectedly, Alice bursts into song about being too busy growing up as a child to do any of the fun activities like riding a bike or playing baseball or putting penises in her vagina. It takes redwood trees many years to mature, she thinks. Perhaps she can mature now and discover herself she says. There's still time to grow up and do all those exciting activities!
I'm really concerned about the singing at this point. If she breaks into a song while she has a cock up her ass, I don't think any boner could survive it.
Out of nowhere, a white rabbit with glasses taps her on the shoulder and tells her it's never too late to grow up! But before he can elaborate on that, he realizes he's late for a very important date. He must hurry along, because in his words "The queen is a bitch."
Alice decides to follow him and goes through the magical mirror. She ends up in a room with typical ugly yellow/brown 70s wallpaper, starring at a dog for no particular reason. The only other thing in the room is a little door, through which she can see that bastard rabbit making his escape. How can she get through such a small hole? By drinking a strange liquid that says "Drink me" of course!
I'm surprised that all coke bottles don't have "Drink me" printed on them, because no one can resist such a firm command. She "shrinks" after drinking it. Knowing full well the limitations of a 70s porno movie, master director Bill Osco works around it by doing the shrinking scene in a more abstract way.
The film fades from black to white and flashes faster and faster back and forth from Alice and to the dog until an explosion of light occurs and Alice is gone, replaced by an empty pile of clothes.
Film historians have debated for years over what the dog is meant to represent, with most believing it to symbolize the opposite of Alice's "curious as a cat" personality that drives her to follow the rabbit even though it's dangerous, while the dog is content to stay in the room. Other scholars just believe that Osco wanted to put his dog in the movie. The choice is up to you!
Alice has now shrunk down considerably and can no longer fit her clothes. She finds something to wrap up in, and ventures out into the wilderness to find out where the rabbit went. Unfortunately, she falls into a lake and begins to drown.
Luckily a retarded mouse looking thing is there to fish her out of the water and bring her back to shore, but only after first having a conversation with her in a cryptic, backwards way like these fairy tale retards always do.
After they get back to shore, I figured that the movie would take the typical porno movie route by having Alice say "How can I ever thank you?" and then having the mouse tell her to gobble his cheese, but Bill Osco isn't a man to fall back on cliches, and although I respect his originality, I can't say I approve of what happens in the next chapter of the movie, entitled...
The Zoobillee Zoo reject mouse introduces Alice to his other friends. All these creatures have typical bizarre, shitty fantasy names that aren't worth remembering. I just remember them as "Bob Newhart in a mouse costume" and such.
The animals get a little pissy over Alice saying that their world is imaginary. As long as someone has a little bit of imagination left in their hearts, they can visit this magical wonderland he says. And just to drive the point home, he and his evil furry friends launch into another song about the wonders of make believe and all that jazz.
I don't see why Bill Osco has to make his perfectly good movie disturbing by throwing in some furries. Nothing has ever been made better by putting furries in it, much less putting dancing furries in it. I guess I should just be thankful that none of the furry actors get naked, although they do give Alice a "licking" as implied in the title. But first, let us watch the fruity dancing!
After the thrilling dance number which made my balls retract up inside of me, we get to the first "erotic" portion of the movie. It pains me to know that most people have no appreciation for the masterpiece that Bill Osco has crafted here and probably fast forward though the elaborate dance numbers just to get to a part where they can jerk off.
These people have no appreciation of art damnit! Alice wants a towel to dry off, but these woodland folks don't have any towels. They do have another way to dry off though. They get Alice to lie down and begin caressing and licking her, although I don't know how that's supposed to dry a person off. Some "stuff" happens that I'm not going to get into because we're trying to admire Osco's art here.
Alice tries to push the creatures away, like any sane person would, because she isn't supposed to be committing beastiality. "If it feels good, it is good," says the Bob Newhart mouse. I don't have that much of a problem with that mantra, but coming from a grown man in a mouse outfit sucking on a woman's tit, it makes me feel that sometimes things that feel good are very, very wrong.
Another bizarre thing of note is when one of the female rats points to Alice's tits and ask her what they are. "Those are my breasts," says Alice, "when I have a baby some day they will feed it milk." "They're beautiful" says the rat, and then Alice goes back to getting groped by woodland animals like it's the most normal thing in the world.
I don't know what Osco was trying to accomplish with this line, but then again he's the genius and I'm just some lowly op board writer.
After the creepy licking scene, Alice's woodland friends send her off with a present of new clothes. Maybe they could have given her the dry clothes before, but I guess they're into the licking random strangers thing.
She walks to a scenic pond and sits on a rock which begins to talk to her! He allows her to sit on him, and like any wise, talking rock would do, encourages her to masturbate. I guess the rock "hard" on having women masturbate upon him. Ha ha ha. What witty wordplay I have.
Alice is a very trusty person. If I was sitting on a rock in the forest and then it talked and encouraged me to masturbate, I would assume that it was just a creepy guy in the bushes who wanted to see me play with myself, but I guess that's because there's no make-believe still alive in my heart. How depressing.
Most people would take this masturbation scene as a cue to masturbate themselves, but I think we need to look deeper into the art. This is a powerful scene about a young girl's journey of self discovery. Instead of having her go through a big life changing event to come of age, like most boring directors do, Osco, never one to do things the traditional way, chooses to show it by having her rub herself.
The part of the wise mentor, usually a mother in traditional movies, is now a talking rock. We should applaud Osco's originality. Rabbit appears again, probably fresh from jacking off while watching Alice. He invites her to the Mad Hatter's tea party, which brings us to the next chapter...
Alice arrives at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, which isn't much of a party since only the Mad Hatter and the Rabbit are there. She inquires about the "9 7/8" tag on his hat, commenting: "That's a big hat!" "Heavens no," says the Mad Hatter, "That's not the size of my hat, that's the size of my thingamajig!"
Then he flashes his mammoth thingamajig at our virginal heroine. She's shocked an appalled at such a brash act. The rabbit and the Mad Hatter make fun of Alice for being a virgin. "I'm trying to learn!" replies Alice, "but I can't have everything shoved down my throat all at once!" As you can expect, the Mad Hatter strives to prove her wrong in the most literal sense.
"Don't you think you should put that thing away?" asks Alice. "Certainly not," replies the Mad Hatter, "I just let it out." If only I could write lines as well as the genius Bill Osco. The Mad Hatter grants Alice permission to touch his thingamajig, but she's hesitant because it isn't hers. The Mad Hatter wants to share it with her. He then grants her permission to kiss it. What a generous soul.
The Mad Hatter decides to be even more generous and shares his semen with Alice's face. Alice is alarmed, fearing that she's broken his thingamajig. There's being virginal and not being experiences in sexual matters, and then there's being retarded.
Someone Alice has managed to go twenty-something years without even knowing about ejaculation and how babies are made. Suddenly, a large crash is heard. Alice is concerned about what it was, but the Mad Hatter explains that it was probably Humpty Dumpty.
They go off to investigate, and then we jump cut to two naked lesbians making out on the ground. The go through the typical lesbian sex motions, but I have to wonder why this scene exists. I'm guessing that the higher ups in the studio demanded that Osco put in more gratuitous sex scenes.
I like to think that Osco fought them tooth and nail to keep his vision pure and intact, but had to relent and stick in this smut! How dare the studios ruin such art I say! After the sex scene, we enter our next chapter in which Alice is to learn an important lesson.
Alice and the Hatter arrive at the wall at which Humpty Dumpty and a doctor are at. A most unfortunate occurance has happened to Mr. Dumpty- he fell off a wall and injured his balls! It seems that he's now unable to get an erection.
The doctor has tried everything to try and salvage Humpty's penis, but everything has failed. Fortunately, there is one last hope. "Bring out the dancing nurses!" he shouts, and out come the lesbians from the previous scene. At last it has come full circle! I knew that Osco wouldn't put anything in this movie that didn't have a purpose!
It doesn't work though. None of this stuff is new to Humpty, and it's no longer turning his crank. He's never seen Alice naked before, however, so a new plan is hatched! All he needs is a little attention, and in short order Alice has gotten his erection up.
The dancing nurses and the doctor return and begin to dance and sing a rousing chorus of "He's got his ding-a-ling up," in which we are all invited to sing along as Humpty sits on the wall with his nice new boner! What an inspiring tale of teamwork and cooperation...and boners.
Our next chapter begins with the rabbit, the hatter, and Alice lost in the woods. Tweedledum and Tweedledee appear, who are a man and a woman with equally bad looking perms who sing lovely songs while having sex with each other while playing in balloons.
They offer to let Alice watch them have sex together, which I guess she happily accepts, judging by her willingness to go skipping along with them. Alice smiles and giggles while watching it, holding on to a Raggedy Andy doll. It's quite creepy to see what Alice has become, smiling gleefully at the moment of penetration.
Perhaps this really is all in her mind and she's gone insane. After having some sex, Tweedledum pulls out and shoots his load all over Tweedledee's chest. Pay attention- this is foreshadowing and will be an important plot point later in the film!
The Mad Hatter is going off to eat lunch at the Queen's box. Not much like a dunner he says, but a boxed lunch. Of course, this is after they all attend the King's ball. Everyone is going to be at the Queen's box, because the Queen has the biggest box in the kingdom.
The King's Ball is being held in the ballroom. After this delightful scene of double meanings, we proceed to the next chapter in our tale. What fate awaits Alice in the chapter "What to do on a hot knight in Wonderland." What a delightful pun.
The gang hears a shriek and goes off to investigate. They find a knight laying on his back with a lass riding him, who tells Alice to buzz off. She doesn't think what they're doing in full public view is very nice, but the others disagree.
Alice breaks into song, asking the girl "What's a nice girl like you doing on a guy like that, on a thing like that? Should have watched where you sat!" Alice wants her to get off the knight and change her ways, waiting for marriage and all that nice wholesome stuff.
Another knight arrives, shocked at what he finds. "I knew you were cheating on me, bitch!" he yells, and throws the woman out of the frame. He's very upset that his homo life partner would cheat on him with such a tramp.
Osco caught me totally off guard with having the guard being a homo, which just shows what a great director he is. Meanwhile, in the king's court naked ladies are prancing around. Why? Well if I was king, I know I'd have naked ladies prancing 24/7.
There's another fancy song and dance sequence, but I've erased in from memory since it involves the naked ladies rubbing up on a guy who looks like Rip Taylor. We get to meet the king, who just happens to be a kick ass black guy, as most black guys in movies are.
He talks in rhyme, but he does it with style. Alice arrives on horseback with the previously mentioned gay knight. The king motions for her to get off the horse, but only her. "Stay on your nag, fag," he says to the knight. OH SNAP!
The king talks about the beauty and splendor of his kingdom with Alice, and invites her to let his rod and staff comfort her. But Alice wants to remain pure for her husband. The king don't play that way, and uses his fancy psychology mojo to make her reconsider just what is wrong and right, just what is pure and unpure.
The King's spiel works, and before you know it he's going down on Alice. But the Queen has arrived, wearing a big assed hat and nothing else. She walks in on the King and Alice getting it on, and demands Alice's head!
Alice is frightened because she's too young to die, but she has misunderstood. The Queen doesn't want to cut off her head, she wants Alice to give her some head. Alice doesn't want to, so the Queen wants her head for real. Alice demands the right to a fair trial, and gets it.
If she loses her case, she must go down on the queen. If she wins, then she must go down on the judge. Of course, being a Wonderland court the trial is super wacky, and before you know it the king is playing fucking bongo drums while the naked jury dances all around. This shit beats the hell our of our legal system.
It would rock for Clarence Thomas to bust out some bongo drums and get funky while Ruth Bader Ginsburg stripped naked and danced a jive. Or maybe not. Alice is charged with the crime of chastity and wasting time when she could be making love. After some "wacky" trial proceedings, Alice is found guilty, much to the queen's pleasure.
The citizens of Wonderland celebrate the verdict by all having sex with each other, with each scene being more bizarre than the last.
A guy eats a woman out while swinging on a playground swing, the king has sex with a girl while she eats a piece of steak, the doctor eats a woman out with a fucking spoon and then describes the taste, and then a woman appears out of nowhere and poses this interesting question:
Why, you have to fuck Bill Osco of course! I'm wondering who I have to fuck to make this damned orgy sequence end so we can get back to the captivating plot. The queen's attendants are bathing Alice with oils and getting her ready to go eat lunch at the Queen's box.
Alice flashes back to some other lesbian sex scenes earlier in the movie and uses her knowledge to help get the Queen off. After doing her duty, rabbit and the hatter arrive and help Alice escape from the Queen's chambers. The Queen catches sight of them and sends her guards after them as 70s "wakka chikka wakka chikka" music plays.
It's a most dangerous game of cat and mouse and Alice and friends try to escape the villanous grasp of the Red Queen! Crazy shit occurs as Alice botches a take of running down a hill and we actually see the director's slate and the same scene again, although performed successfully this time. I hope the editor of this film never worked in film showbiz again, because he's really hurt Osco's work here.
The queen and he court are gaining on Alice and her friends. She meets up with the sickening licking furries from earlier in the movie and runs off with them as the hatter and the rabbit go a different route. Alice gets pinned in and can't escape.
The only way out is through the lake, but she can't swim. She jumps in anyway and begins to drown. Everything gets blurry and suddenly she awakes back in the library. Balki runs in and sees her laying on the floor and becomes concerned. Balki apologies for the way he acted earlier, claiming that he shouldn't keep things like that between them.
"There's nothing between us," says Alice, "except for your shirt." You see, she really has learned something from this experience. With her newly learned moral of "Fuck people," she has sex with Balki and in the end lets him ejaculate on her chest. You though I was kidding about that foreshadowing earlier, huh? Never doubt the brilliance of Osco! Too bad they never taught her to wear a condom. I'll bet Balki has all types of foreign STDs.
The film ends with Alice doing assorted things like riding horseback naked and going down a stream naked while John Denver sings about how you should fuck people because you only get to go through life once. She prances around with her new boyfriend Balki, and along the way they run into a couple farming guys who look awfully familiar...
And so Alice got married to Balki and settled down in a nice house with a white picket fence. So how did the message of "fuck people" really help her out? The only person she'll ever fuck is Balki. If I'm counting correctly, she only fucked him once before they got married, which means she's practically pure.
I guess Balki wouldn't marry her unless she put out first. And she lived hapilly ever after, fucking people. The movie ends with the credits, giving all the actors their due. The names of the actors appear on screen along with footage of their performance, and Osco made sure to pick the best scenes in which to credit them.
For instance, he puts the Mad Hatter's name on the screen during his many "O" faces, and the Red Queen's name on the screen as she runs naked across a field. And so ends one of the true masterpieces of cinema, the tale of Alice and her journey of self discovery.
If you have a little imagination left in your heart and an urge to see naked people, I couldn't possibly recommend Bill Osco's classic Alice in Wonderland adaptation any more. Sit down and enjoy this timeless tale with your family.
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