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Greetings! The American Film Institute is back with another list compiled by our esteemed members who haven't watched a new release in 30 years and who think cross-dressing is the funniest thing that can ever be portrayed on film.
Our newest meaningless list is dedicated to the greatest moments in all of film. We had a tough time deciding on this list. After all, think of all the great moments in cinema that exist! How about the end of Double Indemnity when Barton Keyes offers Walter Neff a cigarette after he confesses the truth about the insurance scheme? Or how about when Citizen Kane utters "Rosebud" with his dying breath?
So many great moments, but only 30 slots on our list. Did your favorite film moment make the cut? Read on to find out!
#30 - It's Ladies' Night (Bloodsucking Freaks)
Any film historian will tell you that Bloodsucking Freaks is THE defacto movie of the women's liberation movement. Sardou is an oppressive male overlord who keeps women locked up in cages and uses them as his own personal playthings. Growing tired of his dominance and realizing that they should be treated as equals, the women break out of their cages, rip Sardou (and his pet midget) apart, then eat his remains.
While there are no bras to burn, seeing as the women are naked throughout the entire film, they do make a hot dog out of a guy's penis. If that's not liberation, what is?
#29 - She Blew Up My Head With Science (Chopping Mall)
Before Will Smith wrote, starred, and directed in the hit sci-fi masterpiece "I, Robot" which predicted the negative consequences of dependence on robots, Chopping Mall had already beaten him to the punch. Set in the futuristic decade of the 1980s, Chopping Mall depicts the battle between man and machine in a high stakes game of cat and mouse.
The only robot laws these guys abide by are "don't steal shit," and they'll blow up anyone who gets in their way. Perhaps the robots knew something we didn't and were attempting to kill off the dumbest members of humanity. Perhaps what the robots were really protecting wasn't merchandise after all, but protecting US - from ourselves. It's this rich subtext that won Chopping Mall first place in our AFI 100 Best Sci-Fi Films list.
#28 - Turn On Your Heartlight (Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday)
Leave it to the Friday The 13th series to introduce a solution for starving peoples in foreign countries - eat the hearts of crazed serial killers! You've probably studied this scene several times in your film class.
Film historians still debate on exactly what Jason's heart tells the mortician in order to convince him to eat the heart, but whatever the reason, they all agree that the heart was probably pretty delicious, as evidenced by the mortician throwing up all over himself. Fantastic method acting by Richard Grant, as he ate a real dead serial killer's heart during the scene. He passed away shortly after. He will be missed.
#27 - Reading, Writing, And Radiation (Class Of Nukem High)
Abstinence campaigns have continually failed in schools across America as the people in charge of these programs completely fail to relate to the students that they're trying to brainwash.
Enter acclaimed filmmaker Lloyd Kaufman to give his own take on recreational sex to the youth of America - Have all the premarital sex you want - just don't come crying when you develop a 10 foot penis, bleeding breasts, and a fetus worm crawls out of your stomach.
#26 - Get The Point (The Evil Dead)
Teachers always encourage you to have your #2 pencils sharpened and ready, but what they don't tell you is that you should hide those pencils in the case that your friend was recently raped by a tree and has become possessed by evil spirits living inside the woods. The Evil Dead - teaching you what "the man" is too afraid to.
#25 - Wet Dreams (A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 3 - The Dream Warriors)
They say your dreams say a lot about you. In that case, I wonder what a dream about a gigantic penis with a face of a dead child molester eating you says about your psyche. Before she was the star of Medium, Patricia Arquette got to be eaten by a gigantic penis in this film, an experience that I'm sure she wishes she could re-live over and over again.
After a recent string of horrible movies, Wes Craven plans to rekindle his movie career with a film consisting of nothing but a giant penis terrorizing the city and eating people. We here at AFI are already waiting in line for tickets.
#24 - Let Me Axe You Something (Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning)
Axe murder is a brutal, horrific way to die. It's hard to imagine something worse than a crazed maniac swinging his giant axe into your limbs, cutting you into pieces as you're still alive to witness the horror. Unable to defend yourself, you can only lay there in horror as this psycho takes you apart limb by limb.
Bystanders would look on in horror, sickened by the display but being too afraid to act against the axe wielding murderer. That is, unless you were a fat guy eating chocolate. Then it would be totally hilarious, as F13:V illustrates.
#23 - Delicious (Terror Firmer)
Never one to back away from tackling the tough issues, visionary filmmaker Lloyd Kaufman took on the plight of hermaphrodites in American society in his 1999 masterpiece, Terror Firmer. As the evil Casey stands poised to destroy the set of Larry Benjamin's newest movie, he challenges us, the audience, to accept him for who he is.
To accept his vagina, his breasts, and what's left of his penis that was cut off by his father (played by 5-time Oscar nominee Ron Jeremy). If we can't accept the stump penis, aren't WE the villains after all? A landmark film in the hermaphrodite awareness movement. Watch it with your children.
#22 - Insert White Goo Joke Here (The Stuff)
The Stuff has everything. It has the guy from the old episodes of Law & Order. It has the original black guy from Saturday Night Live. It has a sentient snack food that takes control of people and is hell bent on global domination. It has a whacky kid getting into whacky adventures. It has white goo exploding out of people's bodies.
What doesn't The Stuff have? A plot. But besides that you're pretty much covered.
#21 - A Cure For Lockjaw (Riki-Oh)
The Academy Award winner for Best Foreign Picture in 1991, Riki-Oh is a tale of injustice in the penal system and the one man who was brave enough to change it by punching lots of people very hard.
In fact, when he punches someone in the jaw he obliterates it, and when he punches someone in the fist he takes off their entire arm. With each limb that Riki-Oh obliterates, so do the shackles of oppression and bondange break as well. Fight on Riki-Oh, for everlasting peace.
#20 - PANCAKES (Cabin Fever)
Pancakes
#19 - Any Time Is A Good Time For Sex (Creepshow 2)
Creepshow 2, a powerful film and by that I mean a film that completely sucks except for one story, contains this raw scene of love and lust. Our heroes are stranded on a raft, surrounded by a mysterious oily substance that dissolves people on contact (you can read into the environmental pollution subtext of that if you want, but only if you're a fag who doesn't care about the TITS we just posted above).
The substance has the ability to ooze up through the cracks on the raft and dissolve people, making them fall down through the raft. This is what happened to one of the guys on the raft. Naturally, the lone remaining guy puts a sleeping girl down on the raft while fully aware of this fact. Why? So he can check out her tits.
Creepshow 2 presents the harsh consequences of rape. In this instance, the liquidation of both you and the girl. Creepshow 2 plays for keeps - it's the law. Remember kids, no means no or else you'll be melted into ooze in a Stephen King short story.
#18 - He Was So Big He Cut Me Right In Two (Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday)
Financed by the government as a series of educational films designed to curb reckless behavior, the Friday the 13th films never had the desired effect of discouraging teenagers from partaking in sex and drugs.
Even with the release of Jason Goes to Hell and the "Have sex out of wedlock and be ripped in half by a fucking pole" advertising campaign by the government, teens still didn't get the message, leaving the F13 series to languish as another failed series of propaganda films that will be mocked and laughed at by future generations.
Laughed and mocked at until they get a machette to the forehead, then we'll see who's laughing you futuristic assholes.
#17 - Make Me Pretty (Night Of The Demons)
If there's one thing that movies can teach you, it's that demonic possession is fucked up. If a demon doesn't make you shove a crucifix up your vagina, then it's making you shove an entire tube of lipstick into your breast.
Why would you shove a tube of lipstick into your breast? HOW would you shove a tube of lipstick into your breast? Is there anyone who hasn't seen Linnea Quigley's breasts at this point? Who even comes up with shoving a tube of lipstick into your breast?
These answers are not for us to know. We'll never understand the genius of movie writers, and its best to let them continue about their work.
#16 - Satanic Hellpower Not Included (Demonic Toys)
Before legendary filmmaker Charles Band was reduced to filming action figures with his mom's video camera and trying to repackage old Sci-Fi channel bumpers as an instructional filmmaking set, he produced this deeply spiritual look at Christianity in our modern society.
Our heroes, a fast food chicken delivery boy and Tracy Scoggins (played by Traciy Scoggins), are two souls without a direction. Only when some toys in a warehouse are possessed by the devil and attempt to possess Tracy's fetus do these drifters take up a cause and fight for the forces of good.
Also, sometimes this evil baby doll shoots people and says "Oopsie daisy" and talks about shitting itself. That probably relates to the Bible somehow but I'm not sure yet. Much like the Left Behind series, the Demonic Toys franchise seemingly goes on forever with the hit sequels "Dollman vs Demonic Toys" and "Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys." You have my personal guarantee that none of these movies features Kirk Cameron, making them infinitely more watchable.
#15 - Home Cookin' (Surf Nazis Must Die)
By now most people are familiar with this cult classic. Every weekend you'll find fans lining up to take part in another midnight screening of Surf Nazis Must Die. Fans even dress up like their favorite characters and act out scenes in the front of the theater.
Newcomers are labeled part of the Hitler youth and aren't pressured to participate during their first showing of the film, but once you see it a few times you'll find it hard to resist screaming along with all the other fans when Mama delivers her trademark line - "Have some of Mama's home cookin', Adolf!"
#14 - Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut (Friday The 13th Part VII (The New Blood)
In a rare moment of compassion, the suits at Paramount removed this scene from the final cut of F13:VII in order to allow other movies in 1988 a chance at winning some Oscars.
Even without this great scene, in which Jason crushes a man's head down to the size of a walnut while blood squirts out of his eyeballs, The New Blood went on to win 10 Oscars including Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay.
#13 - Phantasm
After completing his family friendly childhood coming of age movie, "Kenny & Company," Don Coscarelli was asked by a reporter what type of film he wanted to do next.
"Well," replied Coscarelli, "What I really want to do is a movie where an old guy gets impaled by a floating ball with blades sticking out of it. Then a drill comes out of the ball and starts boring into this guy's skull and there's brain matter flying everywhere. Finally the guy falls to the ground and pisses himself and the piss just flows in a stream out of his pants."
We have a name for people like Mr. Coscarelli - heroes.
#12 - Monster Smoothee (Riki-Oh)
In the stunning finale to Riki-Oh, the warden of the prison transforms into an enormous muscle-bound creature. After an epic battle, Riki-Oh manages to throw the warden into a gigantic meat grinder and destroy him.
Once again Riki-Oh proved to be ahead of its time with this stirring scene detailing the dangers of performance enhancing drugs like steroids and human growth hormone. But in the end, good triumphed over the incredibly huge biceps of evil.
#11 - Guts: Do You Have It? (Day Of The Dead)
Captain Rhodes stood for everything that was American. He was an absolutely insufferable prick who cared only about himself. He didn't know anything about science, but he knew that he didn't like scientists and he wasn't going to let logic stand in his way.
His shoot first, ask questions later mentality lead to an entire base of humans, possible the last remaining humans on Earth, to be consumed by zombies. Ultimately, he fell to the zombies himself, but remained defiant until the end, yelling "I hope you choke on 'em!" to the zombies as they ate his intestines. All please rise to salute Captain Rhodes, a true American hero.
#10 - Hit And Run (The Toxic Avenger)
Widely regarded as one of the most moving scenes in cinema, this sequence dipicts the brutal game of automobile target practice that became an epidemic in the '80s. Homicidal pacts of hooligans ran over innocent bystanders for sport, then took pictures of their prizes to use for masturbation purposes.
Many were afraid to venture outside of their homes. Once Lloyd Kaufman brought public attention to the crisis, congress stepped in and passed "The Toxic Avenger Act" of 1989. Thanks to this film, many lives were saved, and more importantly, lots of young boys got to see some titties.
#09 - A Case Of The Whiskey Shits (Street Trash)
An overlooked classic, Street Trash is a powerful documentary about the life that the homeless live on the mean streets. Barely scavenging enough to feed themselves, these lost, destitute souls struggle to survive in a world that has forgotten them.
Seeking to drown their woes in alcohol, the homeless beg for money or steal it from others, using it to purchase liquor. In some cases, they purchase a particular brand of liquor that makes you melt into a puddle. Always thinking of others, some melt in a toilet to spare city workers from having to clean up their remains.
#08 - Freaks Need Love Too (Basket Case)
It's a classic Cain and Abel story. Duane is a good hearted boy who has a crush on a girl. His brother Belial is a deformed lump of flesh with fangs and claws that was cut off of the side of Duane. Naturally Belial has had a rough time of things and becomes jealous of Duane's relationship with a girl.
He does the natural thing and breaks into her apartment and rapes her. Then the brothers fight and fall out of a window, and Belial goes on to mate with another deformed lump of flesh to make babies in the sequels. So, like I said. Cain and Abel story.
#07 - There's A Monster In My Pants (Tromeo & Juliet)
For centuries people have praised the works of Shakespeare, most notably the story of Juliet and her Romeo. That is, until Lloyd Kaufman released his own interpretation of Shakespeare's most famous work and showed us what a talentless faggot he really is.
Who needs iambic pentameter when you've got lesbian sex, nipple piercings, brains splattered on the pavement, women turning into cows with huge penises, decapitations, and most importantly, gigantic penises with mouths full of teeth. Yeah, fuck you Shakespeare. Time to start teaching kids the works of Lloyd Kaufman.
#06 - Tree Hugger Gone To Far (The Evil Dead)
It's important to remember your roots, and for Sam Raimi that includes remembering that time you made a movie where you raped a girl with tree roots.
No matter how much Mr. Raimi wants to pretend that he's beyond this type of film and a producer of high class fare like Spider-Man, deep down inside he knows that he wanted to film a rape scene with Dr. Octopus' tentacles. Oh yes, he knows.
#05 - AFI Voters Identify With Creepy Perverts (Re-Animator)
Master storyteller Stuart Gordon delivers one of the most erotic and romantic scenes in movie history with Re-Animator. Dr. Carl Hill, a tortured man who has hidden his love for Megan deep inside himself, at last confesses his love to her by using his re-animated body to hold his severed head up to her and perform cunnilingus.
Basket Case may have had a deformed twin raping a woman, but it lacked the fine subtext and deeper meaning that Re-Animator has in its love scene. It's no surprise that Re-Animator also placed #1 in AFI's 50 Greatest Romances list. Bravo, Stuart Gordon, bravo.
#04 - She Gives Killer Head (Brain Damage)
Brain Damage is a film that delivers on gore but also turns out to be a very well produced story about the downward spiral of heavy drug addiction. The main character encounters an alien parasite with the ability to give him an incredible high.
Unfortunately, the parasite feeds on brains and won't supply him with anymore of the drug unless he helps him find fresh human brains to eat. As he becomes more consumed by his addiction, the young man finds himself losing those closest to him and his own grip on sanity.
But fuck all that gay shit, there's this totally sweet scene where the parasite comes out of the guy's pants and a girl has to suck it like a dick. Yeah, it's pretty deep.
#03 - Voorhees vs Creed (Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
"Hey Jason, what's your prediction for the fight?"
"Pain."
#02 - My Head Is Up My Ass (Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV)
After two miserable sequels to the original smash hit, Troma finally produced a worthy follow-up to the Toxic Avenger with the release of Citizen Toxie. True lovers of film will recognize the sequel's quality right from the start, when the evil diaper mafia take control of a classroom full of retarded children.
After brutally gunning down several retarded children and beating them with gigantic breasts, the mafia is confronted by the heroic Toxie. Toxie disposes of the villains in quick fashion, either by ripping out their guts or shoving diapers full of excrement into their faces.
In one of the most celebrated scenes in all of cinema, Toxie picks a henchman up, spins him upside down, then piledrives him into the ground, forcing the henchman's head to come out of his own ass. The villain gleefully exclaims "My head is up my ass!" Lloyd Kaufman continues to one-up himself.
An amateur director may have killed lots more retarded children or had more fecal related fatalities, but only Kaufman can strike the perfect balance between excess and restraint. This scene deserves its acclaim as one of the greatest in all of cinema and will be studied for generations to come.
#01 - Garbage Day (Silent Night, Deadly Night 2)
It was a day like any other. I did my same boring errands to pass the time, to keep from having to think. Think about what a waste my life had become and how unhappy I was.
I always wished that an answer to all of my problems would appear someday. An answer from somewhere out in the blue. But that stuff never happens. Nothing can be that easy, not in real life. Can it?
I was wrong. There he stood. I didn't know who he was or where he came from. He stared at me, his piercing gaze going right through me, seeing straight into my soul. An angel clad in a blue sweater.
This was it. This was the answer to all my problems. A messenger of God, here to tell me his divine will, to tell me what I needed to do with my life.
I stood in awe, quivering in anticipation. Every moment seemed like an eternity. As he opened his lips, my entire body was on edge. What would he tell me? Will he show me the way?
GARBAGE DAY
Garbage day? Of course. It all made sense now. This angel wasn't here to give advice. I had been judged by the lord God himself, and I had been deemed garbage.
No, this wasn't some merciful form of cosmic recycling where I would be reincarnated and given another chance. No, I was garbage. I knew it deep inside, I wasn't surprised.
I was garbage, and there's only one thing you do with garbage - take it out.
Tell my wife...it's...garbage day...
Garbage Day Video Clip, courtesy of Bad Movies.org - Click to download
We here at the AFI would like to thank you for reading our list. In the case that you disagree with one of our selections, remember that we are old people so our opinions are automatically right and you are uncultured swine. Good night.
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