Welcome to yet ANOTHER comics column. In this one, I buy three comics for a dollar and then analyze them. Sounds like fun! Let's go!
Blip #1
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Ok, I admit that this isn't
really a true comic book, but there's just no way I could fucking resist buying an old ass comics magazine about the hit Atari and arcade games of the day. And come on! How could I resist the boyish good look of TV
STAR Matthew Laborteaux?
He starred in the (non)mega hit "Whiz Kids" about kids who knew their computers. You may remember a few Radio Shack comics from back in the day that starred the infamous Whiz Kids, who solved crimes with the awesome might of their Tandy computers.
The first segment of the magazine consists of interviews with hip celebrities that play video games. When asked to comment, Matthew offers this gem: "I like TRON a lot." You can't get this stuff anywhere but BLIP folks! If you look closely at the cover, you can see a band-aid on Matthew's left hand.
This man likes so Tron so much that it HURST! The journalistic watchdogs of BLIP weren't satisfied with just that, pressing Matthew further in an effort to get him to reveal his deepest, darkest secrets. Finally, Matthew relents and confesses that "I really,
really like PAC-MAN." At last the world can sleep easy, knowing that not only does Matthew "Whiz Kid" Laborteaux like Tron "a lot," but he "really,
really likes PAC-MAN."
Perhaps it was this stunning revolution that resulted in Matthew being blacklisted from the Hollywood establishment and vanishing from the public eye. Perhaps the Hollywood elite preferred Dig Dug and wouldn't tolerate those who liked PAC-MAN as much as Matthew. The world may never know.
The next section of the book is "Blip Tips I," and this month we're going to learn the ins and outs of MISSILE COMMAND. According to BLIP, "Missile Command is no PAC-MAN (take THAT Matthew!) or DONKEY KONG. There's nothing coy or playful about it. It's World War III, right on your screen."
That's right bitches. You pussies stand in the corner and play your Donkey Kong, Missile Command is serious fucking business for serious gamers. You think we play this shit for FUN? FOR FUN? FUCK YOU. We're fighting World War III you asshole. It's right there on the fucking screen!
Next time you pick up the hammer in Donkey Kong and laugh in glee as you smash barrels, remember the soldiers playing Missile Command, giving their quarters so you can live on in your blissful ignorance. Next month in Blip Tips: Basketball.
The next section is the VIDEO HALL OF FAME, in which the current records of the hit video games are listed. There's also an interview with the manager of the Twin Galaxies Entertainment Center who reveals the thrilling stories behind kids in his video arcades setting video game records (Note: this is not thrilling).
"I admire kids who do well playing a particular game," Walt says. And by the looks of him, he also admires the tight, sharp contours of little boy ass in tight denim jeans.
"It takes a good, alert mind to beat a video game," just like it takes a good, alert mind to avoid being molested behind the ignored Radar Scope machines at the back of the arcade by Walt.
Fuck this drivel I've written up to this point, it's time for some REAL jokes. It's time for BLIP's "Video jokes!" Are you ready to laugh so hard you shit your Space Invader underoos? How bout this one?
Q: What do you do when your suitcase pops open in the LOST LUGGAGE game?
A: Pack, Man!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! Well, to be fair, BLIP describes that joke as being a "Joke So Bad, No One Would Ever Repeat Them." Well guess what bitch? You didn't count on a smarmy fuck on the internet eventually analyzing this magazine and repeating your lame jokes in a desperate attempt to get a laugh out of old nostalgia magazines now did you?
OWNED BLIP. BLIP also offers some HIL-ARIOUS "Games We'll Never See," which you WILL see later in the article. OWNED AGAIN BLIP.
The remaining parts of BLIP are actually serious comparisons of video game consoles and games, which means that it isn't funny. Thankfully, BLIP wouldn't go out on such a low note and instead presents us with a fantastic comic of Donkey Kong.
This was before anyone really knew who the fuck Mario was, and as such he's drawn in a completely different style from the traditional one. It's really pretty interesting to see Mario before he was a star, but if you really pay attention to the comic you can see that this man is going places.
Perhaps it was because at this point he was still considered Mario the Carpenter. Not until he started plumbing shit did his career really take off. You can read the comic for yourself at the end of the article and make fun of it on your own time.
The comic ends with a desperate plea to subscribe to BLIP magazine. I guess it wasn't desperate enough as the magazines lasted only four issues. Kids just weren't ready for this type of greatness. The final page is a BLIP survey for kids to fill out, the results of which would probably be sold to advertisers in a desperate attempt to salvage some money out of this shitfest.
Most You Should Pay For It: Fuck it, this shit is super entertaining. I'd splurge an entire dollar on this one.
Don't go yet kids, it's time for the BONUS BLIP GALLERY OF GOODNESS!
Hey, I like Tron a lot too, Matthew! Let's be super best buddy Tron friends for life!
He's sort of like a gayer Edgar Allen Poe. With a comb-over. And a Mario moustache that probably tickles when he tounges...er, nevermind.
This "awesome" concept was later put into practice in the malt shop level of the Back to the Future NES game. It REALLY sucked. Thanks a lot BLIP.
Superman: Man of Steel Annual #2
Publisher: DC Comics
I'll just say this to get it out of the way - I absolutely loved the Death and Return of Superman story arc. I bought each individual issue of the arc as well as the trades when they eventually came out. In fact, I liked it so much that I never wanted Superman to come back to all the comics.
My ideal Superman comics world had Superboy retaining Adventures of Superman, Steel retaining Man of Steel, the Eradicator maintaining Action Comics, and plain old Superman keeping Superman.
Unfortunately, once the crossover ended Superman took all four books back over. I really don't think any character deserves four monthly books, especially one as old as Superman. That's just asking to burn through the limited number of Superman plots. But I digress.
Even though I was a mega fan of this story arc, for some oddball reason I never bothered to pick up the respective Superman annuals that came out during the Reign of the Supermen. Perhaps it was because it really didn't tie into the Reign of the Supermen story at all.
Each year DC Comics used its annual issues to make a giant story similar to the old Marvel tradition of Atlantis Attacks and garbage like that. In this particular year the big annuals story happened to be "Bloodlines," which was about evil shapeshifting aliens coming to earth and terrorizing regular folks until superheroes kicked their asses.
The only thing memorable to come out of the whole affair was the introduction of Garth Ennis' Hitman character in the Demon Annual. Otherwise it was a pretty unremarkable affair. Unless I'm mistaken, this issue of Man of Steel is the second part of the Bloodlines saga, with the Lobo Annual serving as the introduction of the evil aliens.
It's a pretty big jump to go from the outer space adventures of Lobo to the inner city warfare of Steel. Steel was one of the first black superheroes I know of who wasn't written like a complete moron ("What you talking bout jive turkey"), although I think the writers went out of their way to make him a super good guy, giving him the backstory of being a super smart army guy who eventually ended up being a construction worker. In this particular issue, the aliens crash land on Earth and immediately get to feeding on innocent bystanders.
One of the more headstrong aliens goes rogue and drives herself to Metropolis. She promptly begins to feed on the assorted bums and street urchins of the city before making the mistake of feeding on one of Steel's friends, Tom.
It turns out that the monster didn't feed completely on Tom. As was the case with Hitman, when a human is bitten by one of these space monsters and isn't killed, they gain super powers. Tom loses his memory but gains the ability to shoot super sharp shards of glass out of his body.
Not knowing who or what he is, he begins to go on a rampage throughout the city with Steel in hot pursuit. Steel eventually gets Tom to calm down and they team up to take down the monster responsible for Tom's transformation. The monster is presently stalking Tom's little brother who was out searching for the missing Tom.
Steel and Tom arrive in the knick of time and beat the piss out of the monster even though it's hide is highly resistant to any type of weapon. The monster realizes that it's doomed and flees to fight another day.
Tom vows to track the monster down and force it to change him back to the way he was, while his little brother vows to take care of him the same way Tom used to take care of his entire family. Thus we have are semi-happy ending and of course are encouraged to check out the Shadow of the Bat Annual for the next chapter in the Bloodlines saga.
It's typical 90s comic writing- not to bad, not to good, but always predictable. I was shocked for a moment when I thought Tom actually died but I should have known better. After finishing the comic, I found myself wondering just what the point was.
A bunch of hungry aliens eating humans is hardly anything new and certainly not enough to justify such a long ass story. It's also highly obvious that no low level character like Steel is going to be the one to take out the big bad guys, so reading any part of the Bloodlines saga before the big guns show up is pretty much a complete waste of time.
Most You Should Pay For It: 50 cents
X-Farce #1
Publisher: Eclipse Comics
From the few parody comics I've read, I find it pretty safe to make the assumption that 90% of them completely suck balls. Parody writers seem to think it's funny just to make a few goofy looking caricatures of the superheroes and then greatly exaggerating their personalities will result in a comic masterpiece.
Well, it doesn't work. Partly because most readers of comic books realize how downright retarded a lot of superhero concepts are and put that aspect aside in order to enjoy the comic.
Drawing Cable with two story shoulder pads and making him scream "Mysterious past! I like big guns!" isn't pointing out something that comic readers haven't noticed. You're most likely to get a "No shit he looks stupid, dumbass. I don't care" from your intended audience.
The few good comics parodies I've read don't focus on specific characters and instead go after the conventions of the medium. While saying nothing truly original, Jhonen Vasquez's superhero parody in his comics was still pretty funny and at least well drawn.
Deadpool #11 is probably my favorite comic parody of all time, merely re-printing an old issue of The Amazing Spider-Man with changed dialogue. So with the majority of comics parodies being downright painful, it was with much trepidation that I bought X-Farce #1.
Unsurprisingly, the comic was painfully unfunny and sported black and white third grader pencils. Here's an example of X-Farce's biting topical humor:
Cable TV: "We're smack dab in the middle of Muppet Central. I thought I smelled something fishy!"
Garferal: "Actually, that's the anchovies I had for lunch, boss"
Wow! This comic is so hilarious that it belongs on Fox LOL Sunday. Instead of calling him Cable, they call him CABLE TV. I think that sets a new standard for shitty parodies, probably going lower than Cracked ever resorted to.
In between the horribly painful X-Force mocking gags, the writer takes a few jabs at the comic industry, going after such easy targets as multiple cover variants. Whenever I read such stuff, I can't decide whether or not the writers are legitimately mocking the practice or if they're just jealous that their comic company wasn't experiencing the same level of success.
It must suck to be a comic that couldn't even be a success in the comics boom when every #1 issue was selling like hotcakes. Maybe moron collectors were at least smart enough to know that this piece of shit was never going to put their kids through college.
After the awful story is over, there's a few pages of assorted drawings such as the hilarious X-Cons. Oh, my sides ache from laughter. X-Farce's version of Deadpool, known as Cesspool, probably says it best: "How appropriate...I stink and so does this book!"
Most You Should Pay For It: If you pay any money for this I'll fucking punch you
