There's a pretty good chance that Uwe Boll is the antichrist. He keeps his Hollywood existence alive by buying the rights to video games, cheaply making a horrible movie out of them, and then just barely breaking even profit wise.

While some directors get shit upon for deviating too far from the source material when making video game movies, Uwe Boll gets shit upon because he doesn't differ enough, even going so far as to include video game footage in his films. Abruptly switching from real people to blocky PS1 era graphics is a little jarring to say the least.

For the sake of fairness, I'll be evaluating this film in terms of a zombie movie (on which it fails miserably) and not as a video game adaptation (on which grounds it fails even more miserably).

The movie begins with our grizzled voice hero sitting on the steps of a crumbled building in the forest, recounting the bad things that happened over the past few days when he came here for an island rave.

To make sure we start things out on the right foot, the movie then switches to video game footage of the first HOTD game with the female character telling the audience that "They must stop Curien." I'd rather not if you don't mind. The first time I stopped Curien cost me about 20 quarters.

The beginning credits of the movie are also video game footage of a really shitty player going through HOTD, although they make it fancy by adding some Photoshop filters.

The narrator introduces us to Greg, Simon, Cynthia, Carma, and Alicia aka zombie fodder. He attempts to tell us things about the characters such as "Carma has a crush on Simon but he only as eyes for Alicia, my ex." because people are defined only by whom they want to fuck.

If you can't do character interaction well, please don't try it at all. No one's going to somehow care when Alicia gets killed because she used to be the narrator's ex or something.

Everyone wants to get to the big super rave on the island that somehow has a huge ass stage, sound station, and a big ass sponsorship banner by SEGA. Yeah, SEGA sponsors crazy ass raves on remote islands all the time.

The stupid raver group mentioned earlier gets a ride over to the island by asking for a ride from a fisherman played by Hollywood pretty boy Clint Howard. The skipper and his captain refuse to take the ravers to the island because it's CURSED. BOO!

The stupid ravers refuse to give up and offer them a THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS just to take them to the island rave. If a rave is worth 1,000 dollars, there better be piles of crack cocaine and big breasted naked whores inside the piles that will suck your dick while you snort the coke. And there better be free pretzels too.

The cops drop into the harbor for an impromptu boat search but the ravers slip the captain a few more bucks to take off and piss off the cop lady.

Ten minutes in: first gratuitous breast shot as two ravers go swimming. First awesome scene of the movie as one of the ravers on the boat gets sick and vomits all over a girl's boobs. Maybe this film isn't so bad after all.

The film keeps up the momentum by teasing a zombie attack with the boob girl. No zombie turns up (perhaps he was busy fighting a shark) but we get lots of boobage.

In fact, the boobage continues all the way to the boat as one of the sluts is walking around without a top for no real reason in front of Clint Howard. To pay her back for the free peek, Clint gives her a magical item that is said to ward off evil.

Meanwhile, swimming boob girl is dressed again and is looking for her friend Matt who has vanished. She walks to an abandoned building (I don't think it quite qualifies as a house but whatever) and finds Matt being eaten by some red eyed zombies and proceeds to get eaten herself. Meaningless video game footage of some zombies getting shot is shown.

Another brief zombie action moment as a zombie attacks two people fucking in the woods. This movie is really slacking on showing some damn gore. This off camera shit just isn't going to cut it. You've already got an R rating thanks to the boobs, EXPLOIT IT TO THE FULLEST EXTENT.

The ravers have arrived on the island and so has the police officer bitch that was following them. Meaningless video game moment #2 as axe zombies from HOTD2 chop at the screen. Wow, these video game sequences just add so much to the movie! I just wish I knew what it was that they were adding (besides the ability to pad this movie out to 90 minutes).

The raver fucks arrive at the rave grounds but everyone is gone and all the shit is torn up. Only one of the stupid ravers finds anything strange about this circumstance. Clint Howard gets killed while dragging a crate through the woods. What's sad is that this means that the best actor in the movie has been killed and I'm 100% serious when I say that.

Back at the rave, two of the morons are humping while the other three go exploring. More video game footage horseshit that at this point has ceased being entertainingly bad and is just annoying.

Back at the rave grounds, the slut is waiting around while her boyfriend is out taking a piss. A bunch of zombies run into the tent and supposedly kill her OFF CAMERA. GOD DAMMIT! Why the fuck is this rated R if no violence is ever shown? "Rated R for pervasive strong violence/gore, language and some nudity."

Oh yeah? Where's the violence I paid five bucks for? Does it occur during the movie or afterwards when I cut off Uwe Boll's head with a chainsaw in anger?

The three ravers out scouting go into the house from the beginning of the movie and run into the narrator and a few more survivors. Like any AWFUL, SHITTY modern horror movie, they reference old horror movies as one of the survivors brings up the Night of the Living Dead trilogy to explain the zombies on the island. Thanks a lot for giving us that self referential horseshit with Scream, Wes Craven.

Hell, the dork talking even slips in a comment on how he hopes Romero makes Twilight of the Dead someday. If this dude knows so much about zombie movies, he should be making comments on how much this one sucks. More awful video game footage as the camera zooms through the eye of a video game zombie.

A few shots of the captain in his boat and the good guys walking around the woods are shown and then more awful game footage with the plea to "Insert coin." If there were a coin slot to make this movie stop sucking I'd sure as hell put in a few.

The good guy crew find the guy who went to take a piss stuck in a tipped over port-a-potty. His slut girlfriend appears from behind a tent and snaps the neck of the Romero dork. All dorks die first. Luckily the female cop pops out of nowhere to shoot the slut in the head.

Her portrayal of a cop is very convincing because she acts like a total bitch the entire movie because that's all cops can do. I could play a more convincing cop and the only experience I have is playing Lethal Enforcers and Police Trainer in the arcade.

Meanwhile, some zombies are swimming up to the captain's boat and climbing aboard. Turns out he's played this game before and easily shoots a few of the fucks off his boat. His accuracy is currently at 100% and he's on course to earn his ass an end of level bonus.

The good guys get attacked by some zombies while walking across a wooden bridge that spans a bog. The narrator gets a nail in his hand which I'm sure will come into play later.(Note: It doesn't. Great job focusing five minutes on shit that has no bearing on the film at all, Uwe)

Our heroes make it to the boat but the captain can't be seen aboard. I guess he forgot to shoot off the screen and reload or something.

One of the stupider good guys tries to swim out to the boat but ends up getting chased by the water zombies. The female cop saves his worthless ass by shooting the water zombies. The captain also reappears with a laser sighted assault rifle and starts to own some zombies.

A stupid Asian girl survivor in an American flag spandex suit goes in the water as well for no reason and gets attacked by zombies. The captain saves her but gets bitten on the arm by a bald zombie.

One of the stupid ravers taunts a supposedly dead zombie that spits acid on his face. It's a lot of action in a small amount of time but it's all so stupid that I'm pretty numb to it. There's also no suspense at all since we know only the narrator survives thanks to the opening of the film. Nice job with that one Uwe Boll.

Time for a black and white flashback to the legend of the island. We get the story of a crazy Spanish pirate who was chained up in the bottom of a ship. He was banished from Spain because of his sick experiments.

The Spanish dude takes out the captain of the ship by strangling him with his shackles. He took over the ship, sailed it to this island, gained control of the natives, and supposedly kills everyone who sets foot on it to this day. He also looks like a particular bald zombie with cuts all over his face who has been stalking the good guys through the woods.

One of the stupid ravers gets separated from the female cop and chased by zombies while vomit inducing techno music blares. A horrible Fellowship of the Ring rip-off occurs as the raver hides in tree roots while the ring wraith, I mean zombie, stands above him and sniffs for him. I swear it's almost shot for shot the same thing that happened in FOTR.

At least Uwe knows enough to steal from directors that are far better than him. The raver gets mauled by zombies, OFF CAMERA YET AGAIN.

It's time for the number one zombie movie cliché: board your ass up inside a house! The captain busts out all the shit he's smuggling, including Cuban cigars and lots of weapons including a Tommy gun (?!).

All the stupid ravers get weapons and stare at them; something I'm guessing will tell them all they need to know on how to use them properly. The gang runs to the house to find zombies all around it. A super zombie rave begins as the crew blasts the zombies with their weapons in BULLET TIME of course.

Scenes of zombies being blasted in the HOTD video games are interspersed with this incredible action. We're also treated to the not completely overdone Matrix effect of the camera spinning around the shooters 360 degrees. This effect is so awesome we get to see it almost 20 times.

The Asian girl also knows kung-fu because she's Asian and back flips away from zombies before karate chopping them. The black girl pulls a Trinity and jumps up high in the air with a shotgun while the camera spins around her.

This scene was supposedly so awesome that it was included in the HOTD trailer that anyone is free to watch. Not only are we treated to this effect, but we get to see super bullet time when she shoots the gun, allowing us to see the buckshot travel at super slow speeds.

Without the bullet time, this movie would probably only be 50 minutes long. As for the video game scenes, the only thing of note is the embarrassing parts where the words “FREE PLAY” dominate the screen. How long is this horrible sequence? So long that one of the techno songs actually plays through its entire five minute running time and another one begins.

After enough 360 twists and bullet time sequences to make you puke, the music video/movie ends with a super clip show of everything we've just seen to the beat of the techno. FINALLY, the group gets into the fucking house, although the Asian gets eaten OFF CAMERA.

If you're a fan of god awful cinema, I'd recommend this movie for the previous sequence alone. Uwe Boll was obviously very proud of his ability to steal the two Matrix effects he knew of and use them a million times. He worked so hard that you owe it to him to watch it.

After getting into the house, the group loses the female cop to zombie axes and the captain gets his legs bitten. A very heartfelt moment occurs when the burnt face guy is feeling rather down because he's "a freak" now, but the black girl who secretly likes him confesses that he's "still pretty damn sexy to her" and they begin to make out. Nice try at characterization, but they're still "black girl" and "guy with burnt face" to me.

"Red sweater narrator" guy also makes up with his ex and they kiss a bit in a back room. The group explores the hidden passages of the "house" and stumble upon a secret laboratory. The captain wanders outside to find the Clint Howard zombie and he kills the best actor in the movie AGAIN.

The captain stays outside claiming that he's "dead already" and takes himself out with a stick of dynamite, blowing up a few zombies in the process. Every actor in this movie should feel as dead inside as the captain does and kill themselves to save me the pain.

The dipshits fuck around in the laboratory some more where a giant zombie fish breaks out of its tank. The resulting water spillage wakes up the zombies in the lab who become quite pissed off. The heroes run and find a secret door to go into.

Burnt face boy gets attacked by zombies and sacrifices himself by shooting some randomly placed barrels of gunpowder, taking out the entire house. The rest of the good guys are in a secret tunnel bellow the house.

They walk down the tunnel shooting zombies that pop out of every hole while video game footage of the exact same situation is shown. "Black girl" gets taken out by some zombies that are dressed up like Moss Man from Masters of the Universe. The last two remaining heroes, red sweater narrator and his ex, follow a cloaked mystery man to safety.

The cloaked mystery man turns out to be the guy who disappeared when he got separated from the female cop earlier in the movie...or is he? He pulls off his face that he cut off that guy and reveals himself to be the evil Spanish pirate with cuts on his face!

The secret plan is revealed: the Spanish guy created the serum that allows himself to live forever. We already figured this out like thirty minutes into the movie but I guess it's supposed to be a big revelation. The Spanish guy does what all the perverts in the audience have wanted to do and comes onto the hot ex-girlfriend only to get stabbed in the chest.

The good guys escape and blow up the underground with a grenade for good measure. Too bad they didn't take out the baldy. He runs out of the cave and we get an awesome sword fight between all three characters in a constant 360 motion spin because you weren't tired of that shit!

Bald guy wins and stabs the ex-girlfriend in the chest, but then red shirt guy lops off his head. The fight isn't over as the headless body begins to choke red shirt. His ex staggers back to her feet and crushes the head controlling the body before finally dying herself.

A helicopter touches down on the island and out trots a swat team and two agents. What agents you ask? Why it's Agents G and Agent Other Guy from the House of the Dead games!

Also, the last name of red shirt guy's ex is revealed. What is it? It's Curien! Like that scientist guy in the HOTD game!

Does it make sense? No! Is Uwe Boll a complete douche for trying to tie this awful movie into the games? Yes! Do I give a fuck? No! I'm just glad it's over.

There are so many things wrong with this movie that you could write an entire book about it. First off, there's absolutely no human gore. The entire POINT of a zombie movie is seeing humans get eaten and there's NONE of that in this movie. The only gore is when a zombie gets shot and some strawberry colored goo comes out of him.

The movie also fails because it has no characters at all. At least crappy horror movies have the standard clichés of "nerd guy," "handicapped guy," "always drunk frat guy," and stuff like that, but these character are ALL THE SAME. They even look the same! The only character that manages to distinguish himself is the Captain and that's because of the hat.

HOTD is not only a piss poor video game movie, it's a piss poor zombie movie. It's a total fuck up that can't do anything right. Every scene is some clichéd piece of shit effect stolen from The Matrix, which was beyond old by this point. It's for all these reasons that the movie becomes just plain surreal and entertaining beyond belief as long as you've got someone to crack wise with.

The DVD is so monumentally shitty that I feel I have to comment upon it as well.

The DVD menus are entertaining as they continue the video game tie-in shit by asking you to "Insert coin" and offering profiles of the "characters" such as this:

Name: Simon
Age: 24
Skills: Tactical planning
Weapons: Auto mag

What tactical planning? Did shooting those barrels of gunpowder make him a tactical genius or something?

Other awesome DVD features include "The Girls of HOTD" which just gives us an excuse to watch the female cast members in skimpy outfits getting ready to go film a movie they should be deeply ashamed for taking part in.

How do they train these girls for their filming experience? They make them play a House of the Dead III arcade machine while they giggle and vogue. The producer of the film justifies making the girls play the games and go try paintball as making the girls go through "zombie training camp," just like Spielberg made his actors go through training camp for Saving Private Ryan!

For some reason, his movie turned out a lot better for some oddball reason. The producer says that they're also doing this so dorks at home don't squeal out "That's not how you kill zombies!" Well guess what, I may be a dork but I know you don't kill zombies by jumping twenty feet in the air and spinning 360 degrees while you shoot them.

This entire DVD feature makes me embarrassed for humanity as a whole. It ends with a gratuitous scene of the girls in a hot tub drinking champagne. That's just great.

Just when you think you can't be jaded by the Hollywood process anymore, along comes a film like The House of the Dead. This film is so bad, you'll suffer like G did [/insideHOTD2nerdjoke] I hope Zombie Mania was interesting or fun for you guys. I enjoyed rewatching all these fine films and hopefully I've inspired a few of you guys to check them out.