Remember how I said this feature would look at classic zombie movies as well as the traditional direct to video shit that no one has seen? This movie falls into the latter category.

This movie was filmed on a budget of $75,000 so you know it's going to be just great. Like any low budget horror movie it was shot on a crappy video camera and has really bad dubbing with emotionless actors, but that's really most of the charm isn't it?

Regardless of its short comings, The Dead Next Door is probably one of the most entertaining zombie movies I've ever seen in the same vein as Evil Dead II, which the film makers were supposedly inspired by

The movie begins in Akron, Ohio, instantly earning it 20 cool points from me (DEVO, anyone?). The camera runs towards an underground opening Evil Dead style but the door closes before the camera/zombie can get in. The man behind the door boards it up but the zombie will not be denied.

His daughter, with some of the worst 70s hair I've ever seen (Which makes her a mondo dork since this was filmed in the 80s) cries and squeals like all women are supposed to do in a horror movie. He takes his daughter and flees into another part of the basement shelter.

This sequence makes it obvious from the start that this is going to be one of those DARK movies. Not as in "really dark that makes it creepy" but as in "so dark you can't see shit" "What have I done?" asks the man who boarded up the door.

I guess he's supposed to be a scientist because he's wearing a lab coat but by the looks of him the only thing he's capable of creating are some Creepy Crawlers. He'd probably burn himself on the oven while doing it. Dork.

One of the losers with him in the basement gets eaten by a zombie as evidenced by the awesome effect of squirting ketchup on a door off-screen.

After the thrilling titles that use the equivalent of Power Point technology these days, we're whisked away to a video store where the clerk recommends Debbie Does Dallas to a housewife. This man is now my idol and I hope he is not killed in the movie.

A strange bunch brings a bunch of zombie movies up to the counter to rent them. Strange how? They're zombies! Naturally everyone in the store freaks out and runs away, but not because of the zombies. They're scared because someone forgot to be kind and rewind.

The zombie epidemic begins as the streets are full of the walking dead as evidenced by the zombie movie cliché of having a television broadcaster tell everybody about the zombie invasion.

The zombies ravage people everywhere, from the A&W to telephone booths. And by ravage I mean that they tear off people's shirts and then kinda hug them or something. I guess they COULD be eating them, but maybe these zombies just want to spread the love.

After the rampages, the movie speeds forward to the mythical time of "Five years later. Somewhere in Virginia" A "Zombie Squad" police car pulls up to a shack and begins to investigate. They find zombies, of course.

One of the pee wee scouts, Richards, shoots a zombie and cuts off its head, making sure to tell the zombie to "Have a nice day." I don't think it's going to have a nice day when you cut off its head mister! Maybe he was sarcastic but that would require acting ability, something that the entire cast is short on.

Richards doesn't pay attention to the zombie's friend in the closet that attacks him. Luckily for Richards the rest of the cub scouts run in and save his ass by sticking a grenade in the zombie's mouth and tossing him out the window. If that was a black zombie then Jesse Jackson would be at the Zombie Squad HQ in less than 10 minutes.

Richards gets his fingers bitten off by a decapitated zombie head, setting a new record for Zombie Squad incompetence. In a rather cool scene, we get to see the zombie head eat the fingers and watch them come out the end of his severed throat. It's the little details that count in a zombie movie.

Richard convinces the rest of the brownie scout troop #253 to go on without him as he's infected and sure to become a zombie. They do it pretty quickly since Richards really sucked and no one really cares that's he's gone.

Zombie Squad 3000 drives back to Washington DC to report in on their awesome Virginia adventure. When they arrive back at Zombie Squad HQ there's a bunch of protestors waiting for them. "Zombies are people too!" they cry. It figures that there'd be some ultra liberal group that actually wanted to protect a zombie's right to eating brains.

In the lobby of Zombie Squad HQ a bunch of rednecks are sitting around watching The Evil Dead. This violates movie rule #23 which states: "When making a movie, NEVER show a movie that's better than yours." Back in the parking lot another Zombie Squad crew has arrived with the back of its car filled with zombies.

One of the rednecks watching Evil Dead wheels one of his rickety cages which he uses to house the undead. More Zombie Squad incompetence ensues and some people get killed. Maybe Zombie Squad is supposed to be incompetent like Leslie Neilsen's Police Squad, in which case they are succeeding remarkably.

The rednecks move the zombies in the cage down to the basement where the resident scientist in a fishing hat works on them. The redneck leaves so that he can see the girl in Evil Dead get raped by a tree. This man clearly has his priorities in order.

At this point in the film the name homages are getting really tiresome. I know you filmmakers think it's clever to name characters "Savini" and "Raimi," but it just sounds retarded when you use them and I really don't think Tom Savini and Sam Raimi will be that grateful to you regardless.

The original zombie squad meets up with the doctor who explains his recent discoveries. It turns out that the zombies are caused by a virus which forces them to eat people in order to sustain the virus. If the zombies starve, the virus is forced to consume itself and the zombie dies. The doctor has come up with a serum that can cause them to starve in two hours but it's pretty much useless militarily.

So he proposes that he and the zombie squad go to Akron, Ohio to find the original serum the scientist at the beginning of the movie used. This would allow them to create an antivirus.

While this is going on, one of the zombie squad, Mercer, absentmindedly puts his hand down and allows it to get bit by a zombie. JESUS CHRIST. This has happened to two members of Zombie Squad in the span of 20 minutes film wise.

Perhaps Zombie Squad needs a training class entitled "Don't put your hand next to a zombie's mouth." Think of all the incompetent people we could save! Now fellow zombie squader Mr. Raimi needs to find that antivirus to save his friend Mercer.

Back in the parking lot, the zombies are attacking the protesters and the protesters are attacking the police who are trying to stop the zombies from attacking the protesters. It's a vicious cycle of idiocy.

The crew arrives at the house from the beginning of the movie. There are a few zombie squatters inside of it but they're quickly taken care of. While the group goes in, a local boy by the name of Vincent sneaks in with them. He's from the local church and starts to tell the zombie cops all about it. Those Mormons never pass up an opportunity to convert someone.

In the basement, Mr. Raimi and Kuller, the female zombie copper, find the diary of the girl with 70s hair from the beginning of the film. Maybe it contains her fabled hair care secrets! In the morning, the scientist finds the formula compound he needs.

The zombie squad is happy that they can finally get rid of the zombies but Vincent sure isn't. Turns out he's a zombie fundie and his church believes that the zombies are God's way of punishing them. He goes crazy at the notion of destroying the zombies and takes a machete to the Zombie Squad leader.

This squad is dropping like flies. Mr. Raimi rattles off the line, "Here's lookin' at you, kid" and shoots Vincent in the back like a good hero. The kid manages to escape thanks to the help of Super Mullet Commando, who was spying on Vincent at the request of the church.

Mullet Man takes Vincent back to the church. At the church we get to see that they're keeping a ton of zombies in chicken wire cages. We also get to meet the Reverend, who is hanging out with the 70s hair girl, Anya, from the beginning of the movie. Her brother, Jason, is a zombie and gets to hang around in a deluxe suite cage in the Reverend's office.

The Reverend makes it clear that hair girl isn't to learn anything about her father. On the way to the church, the Zombie Squad encounters a group of people in a field attempting to capture some zombies. The dudes run away when Mr. Raimi tries to question them, although they did manage to put some bondage Mankind-like masks on the zombies to prevent them from biting.

Vincent finally passes away in the church and saddens his girlfriend Anya. Outside the church, Mr. Raimi has arrived and decides to peek into a window. He gets to witness some sort of druid sacrifice going on inside the church.

Only then does it dawn on him that this just MAY BE a cult. Maybe. Back inside the church, the good Reverend feeds Vincent's dead body to his private army of zombies. Way to recycle your cult members.

Mr. Raimi listens in on a conversation between Anne and the Reverend. It appears that Anne has completely lost her memory of her father. Maybe cutting her awesome head of hair resulted in her amnesia. The Reverend refuses to tell her the truth about her dead father, stating that he was a scientist in the community and nothing more.

The Zombie Squad goes back to base where the scientist has finished his antivirus. He needs a test subject for it before her can use it on Mercer so the Zombie Squad goes to the church to steal a zombie.

The scientist gets impatient and uses the shit on Mercer anyway, staking his life and his awesome "Once I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken" fishing hat on Mercer being not being harmed.

Super Mullet Man witnesses Zombie Squad stealing the Jason zombie and so the cult crew loads up on guns to go lynch them some Zombie Squaders. Back at the lab, the Zombie Squad is pretty pissed off about the scientist giving Mercer the serum.

The bad guy squad arrives to kick some ass and they brought some hungry zombies in a van with them. The bad guys put dog collars on the zombies and use them to sniff out the Zombie Squad. Mr. Raimi uses grenades to blow tons of shit up, confusing both the zombies and the cult.

By this point the movie is darker than Wesley Snipes and making out any activity is an impossible affair. Yet the Reverend can see perfectly in this darkness even while wearing his enormous 80's sunglasses. Chalk up another one to Zombie Squad incompetence as they forgot Mercer back at the house they just escaped from.

They journey to the church in the morning to rescue Mercer. The Reverend is giving a sermon about the evil government interlopers who shot his lackeys. Up on stage he has Mercer nailed to a board and the Jason zombie looking on.

The Zombie Squad busts into the sermon in time to see the serum kick in on Jason, causing him to melt on stage. Mr. Raimi shoots the Reverend. Mercer is left on stage, half zombie and half human thanks to the serum.

The dying Reverend tells Anna the truth about killing her father and runs off to complete "the ritual," which consists of opening up the basement door and releasing all the imprisoned zombies. Mercer is understandably a little pissed about being half a zombie and chases after the fishing hat scientist as best he can.

Kuller runs into Anna who pulls a gun on her. Kuller tries to convince Anne of who she really is but before she can finish Anna gets eaten by a pack of zombies. I guess a happy ending on that front just wasn't meant to be.

While this is happening, the Mullet Avenger also gets eaten by zombies. GOD DAMMIT. He was the fucking hero of this piece! He rocked the mullet so hard! And he had bullets strapped to his chest! He didn't deserve to go out like a punk bitch.

The hat scientist is busy dictating the recipe for the serum back to Zombie Squad HQ but doesn't have time to mention that you shouldn't give it to people unless they're completely undead because Mercer and his zombie posse break into the room. The scientist locks himself into a cage to save his ass.

Mr. Raimi gets bitten on his way back out to the car. The wooden cage breaks and the scientist gets eaten alive. "Mercer you bastard, give me back my hat!" is all he can say while he's getting eaten. Mercer shuts him the fuck up by ripping out his tongue.

Mercer goes back outside and gives his fellow Zombie Squad crew a thumbs up while he's eating the tongue. Kuller drives Mr. Raimi back to Washington D.C. where he is given the serum.

The serum has the same effect as it did on Mercer, turning Mr. Raimi into a half zombie who promptly rips out the throat of Mr. Savini (the guy who gave him the serum).

Kuller also gets attacked by a zombie and killed. Even though he's a zombie, Mr. Raimi isn't going to sit around on the job. He takes the initiative and forms the...

Human Squad! Yay! At last a zombie police force dedicated to killing humans. And so the movie ends and the credits begin with the message: "You have just witnessed the incredible talents of:" Yeah, right.

And so we're left with no answers to the truly important questions such as "What happened to that whiny fuck Zombie Squader from the beginning of the movie?" and "Did the rednecks watch Evil Dead II when they were done with the Evil Dead? And if so, what did they think of the eyeball popping scene?" These are questions we need the answer to.

Overall, the movie's nothing that new or amazing but it's freaking fun. It's obvious that a few bored people in Ohio decided to make a zombie movie and so they got together with some friends and had a lot of fun doing it.

The fun transfers over to the final product and it's hard not to enjoy it just a little bit. Low budget horror usually means camp and that holds true for this film, but not every zombie movie has to be some claustrophobic scare fest.

Zombies are cool, so once in a while it's good to have a movie that just celebrates how awesome zombies are as opposed to trying to make you shit your pants.