Return of the Living Dead, penned by NOLTD co-writer John Russo, is a very different beast from the other zombie movies of the age. By this point and time, the zombie fad was starting to wear out its welcome in the cinema. With Jason and Freddy on the scene, no one was really interested in watching slow, plodding zombies slowly descend upon their victims.
As such, the makers of ROTLD knew they had to tip the genre on its ear in order to get moviegoers interested again. Instead of being a traditional zombie movie, ROTLD is more of a tongue in cheek parody, making fun of the zombie genre as well as the 80s and all the trends it brought us, such as wannabe punks.
The zombies are faster, stronger, and are also comedians. You see, this was one of the first films to allow zombies to talk, and not in the broken English barely talking way Bub did in Day of the Dead. These zombies want to eat your brains, and will respectfully ask you if you would oblige them their one request.
ROTLD begins with a message telling the audience that the events in this picture are 100% factual and true. In actuality, the only thing in this movie that's true is the fact that Linnea Quigley can't seem to keep her clothes on in any movie she does. I don't have a problem with that, mind you.
After the message, we're introduced to the bumbling duo who will serve as our "heroes" at this point in the movie- Frank and his nephew Freddy. Frank works at a medical supply warehouse and has gotten his nephew a job, so he proceeds to give Freddy the grand tour.
He shows off such things as the skeletons that medical schools order from them, pondering just why all these skeletons come from India and how they find skeletons with perfect teeth.
Frank's answer? Skeleton farms! My answer? No one is going to notice if a few people go missing in a country with a population of one billion. As for the teeth question, the cavity crew doesn't care much for the Middle East.
Rounding out the tour, Frank shows off the dead dogs that are split in half for vet schools and the lone cadaver currently stocking the freezer. I wish I had access to stuff like split dogs. I think a dog cut in half sitting on your coffee table would be a good conversation piece.
"Why you chokin me Charlie Murphy?" "You slapped me!" "That was like a week ago!"
The film cuts away to our newest characters- the rockin punks! We've got a guy dressed entirely in leather with a big ass chain from his nose to his ear, a total slut goth girl who loves the idea of death, a super preppie wearing Don Johnson's rejected wardrobe (How the fuck did he get in here?), a slightly punk hairspray queen, generic punk dude #1, and oddly enough, Rick James. He must be really coked up to be hanging out with these losers.
There's also the super goody two shoes girl who really should be at home doing her bible study. It boggles the mind just why in the hell she's in this group of ruffians. She's Freddy's boyfriend, but it still doesn't fit as Freddy is nothing like these punks either. The truth is revealed when the head punk expresses his profound desire to see Freddy, who "always knows where a party is happening."
They're just using Freddy for his uncanny party finding skills and have to admit his girlfriend to their group as a result. By the looks of Freddy, the only parties he knows about are the ones with apple juice and graham crackers that they have in the schools for "special" children. Nevertheless, our punked out friends drive over to where Freddy works.
Back at the supply warehouse, Freddy asks Frank what the weirdest thing he's ever seen on the job is. Frank tells him that NOLTD was based on a true story, although the facts were changed around. What really happened was a chemical designed to spray on marijuana got leaked out and made the dead come back to life. See what the war on drugs has wrought?
The army bottled up all he corpses and covered up the incident, telling Romero that if he told the real story then he would be finished. Judging by what the man has produced since Day of the Dead, I'd say he leaked the information and the government took care of his film career like they promised. Or maybe Monkey Shines was really THAT bad.
Anyways, the containers full of the corpses accidentally got shipped to Frank's workplace. He offers to let Freddy see the corpses, and so down into the basement they go. Frank bangs on one of the corpse cans and like a cheap condom it breaks open, spraying white stuff everywhere.
The gas knocks both Freddy and Frank out faster than Louie Anderson's body odor and the corpse in the can starts to melt into a puddle. The gas spreads throughout the facility as our two heroes are incapacitated.
I wish I had four hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down.
Freddy's not off work yet, so the punks decide to party at the conveniently placed graveyard next to Freddy's workplace. The graveyard has been locked up and has had a giant "KEEP OUT" sign posted on it. That's just great. Want to visit the grave of your loved one? Too bad, you gotta KEEP OUT, BITCH.
Freddy and Frank come to with a wicked zombie gas hangover. After puking their guts out, they eventually make their way back upstairs. They hear a dog barking and see that one of the split dogs has come to life. Scared shitless, Frank beats it with a crutch. I beat PETA would still find a way to protest you beating a zombie dog who came back to life to eat flesh. They'd probably just say it was God's way of letting the animals avenge their death or something.
Not only are the split dogs alive, but the cadaver is alive and quite pissed off, trying to bang open the door of the freezer. Freddy and Frank decide to call their boss, Burt, and see if he can handle it. Meanwhile, goth girl is asking Rick James about whether or not Rick fantasizes about dying and such.
This leads to the goth girl ripping off her clothes and dancing on a tomb. I know people think walking on someone's grave is such a bad thing, but I for one won't be offended if naked punk girls wiggle their vaginas directly above my casket. If all punk crowds acted like this in the 80s, then I'm disappointed I wasn't old enough to join in the fun.
Burt arrives and decides to put an end to the cadaver, as it's hard to explain a naked, crazy yellow man in your freezer to anybody. Using their memories of NOTLD, the heroes reason that if they destroy the brain then the zombie will be no more.
Freddy opens the door and out runs the naked yellow man to attack Burt. Freddy and Frank grab the naked yellow man and hold him down like a WWF referee in the shower room while Burt grabs a pickaxe and buries it into his skull. This doesn't seem to affect the zombie in anyway except that he now has a hole in his head.
Burt takes a bone saw and cuts the head clear off, allowing the yellow naked corpse to run around free while he head is still stuck in the ground. At least the zombie still has one head left to think with! Ba-dum-ching! I'll be here all week folks.
Turns out NOTLD lied and our heroes need a new way to depose of a corpse. I had a problem with a movie lying once. A word of advice: not all retards go crazy for Baby Ruths, in fact, some are deathly afraid of them and will attack you upon site of the chocolate. I learned that the hard way.
The crematorium across the street is still open and so Burt goes to see the owner, Ernie, and try to get him to let them burn up the corpse. Back at the Graveyard Flare Sex Party 1984, the chain nose is being mopey because no one understands him. His leather isn't just a costume, it's a way of life, and with as much leather as he has on he probably needs a safety word.
Burt and his crew cut through the graveyard and drag the corpse to Ernie's place. Ernie is busy breaking a corpse's arms and legs because they're stiff and won't move from rigamortus. I hear Kevin Nash has a similar ailment. Perhaps Kevin Nash is a zombie who used his WCW booking stint to turn viewer's brains to mush, which he could then easily consume. After all, moving your mouth up and down to chew regular brains is a lot of physical activity.
Burt gets his crew to bring in the body which has been chopped into pieces and put in garbage bags. He claims that they're rabid weasels and asks Ernie if he can burn them in his crematorium, but Ernie refuses as they would be cruel (Fucking PETA bastard).
Burt finally reveals the secret and lets one of the cadaver's arms out of the bag which proceeds to attack Ernie. Naturally, Ernie is convinced and agrees to help. On a side note, they're selling rubber prosthetic hands that jack you off in Japan now. It's only a matter of time before they create a zombie hand to do the job.
At the graveyard, the good girl exclaims "oh, fudge!" because it's past ten and she hasn't picked up Charlie yet. Does this girl consider herself a punk? Maybe if her definition of punk refusing to wear OP and LA Gears. She goes to Freddy's workplace but he isn't in because he's busy burning the body, you know, guy shit.
Ernie completely incinerates the corpse, blowing the smoke and ashes out of the smokestack. Unfortunately, the result of this is that it begins to rain, and not just normal rain- acid zombie rain. The rain falls on the graveyard nearby, ruining the fun of the punks (especially the naked one) and of course, resurrecting all the buried corpses.
Burt's just relieved to have the body incinerated, but Freddy and Frank are starting to feel very sick from the mist in the canister that busted. Ernie calls an ambulance to pick the two up while good girl explores the medical facility in search of Freddy.
In the basement she runs into Tar Man, a zombie that basically looks like someone took a monster dump on him. He's a smart zombie though, as he knows how to say "Brains," which is pretty fucking good for a zombie.
Tina, the good girl, is saved by the roving band of punks. Fortunately, Tar Man at least gets something out of the deal and feasts upon chain guy's brains. It turns out that he's a wasteful bastard and begins to chase after the rest of the punks even before he's finished the brains he had, because in his words, they're "MORE BRAINS!" He should think about those third world zombies who would be appreciate of just half a brain to eat.
The ambulance shows up and the paramedics are unable to get any life signs from Freddy and Frank. Meanwhile, the punks try to run through the graveyard to the crematorium but the zombies begin to pop out of the graves to the rockin tune of "IT'S PARTY TIME," showing that the zombies are here, and yes, they are ready to party be consuming copious amounts of brain matter.
They manage to hunt down the naked girl, but she doesn't get to fulfill her fantasy of having zombies rip off her clothes since she's already naked. The rest of the punks arrive at the crematorium intact and inform Ernie and the rest about the zombie situation.
Prep boy and hairspray queen get separated from the bunch and end up locked in the medical warehouse where they will remain until the movie remembers them from time to time. I thought that the punks would be able to kick zombie ass but at this point I think the new wavers might have a better chance. Boy George could probably pass for a zombie these days.
At the same time, the paramedics get MERCed by the roving band of zombies in short order. Ernie sees the zombies feasting on the paramedics first hand and makes the decision to board up the crematorium. ROTLD makes no attempt to make this scary or atmospheric, playing up-tempo happy 80s music about zombies while all this is happening.
While the zombies feed on the brains of the paramedics, one take charge zombie takes the opportunity to get on the radio and tell dispatch to "Send more paramedics." These are the new generation of zombies. They just don't sit around like those slacker zombies and wait to walk into food, they make this shit happen. Hooray for progressive zombies.
What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP
Naturally, Tina's pretty pissed about her boyfriend being pretty much dead and gets Burt to spill the beans about the whole zombie deal. Ernie checks on Freddy's condition and confirms that he's pretty much dead and going through rigamortus. In other words, he's ready to work WWE style. More paramedics arrive and are gang raped by the zombies in the blink of the eye.
Generic punk #1 also gets his brains eaten which doesn't really affect his IQ that much. The good guys capture the zombie who ate punk guy's brains and strap it down for interrogation. Ernie asks the corpse why zombies eat brains, to which the zombie responds that they do it to end the pain of being dead. Zombies can feel themselves rotting and it hurts. I'll bet Bob Hope was living off of a diet of brains in his last days to ease the pain.
Back in the graveyard, naked punk girl is reborn as undead naked punk girl. I guess the zombies didn't eat her brains because all that pink hair dye she had on made them taste bad. Ernie and the gang lock Freddy and Frank into the chapel in case they start acting funny. Tina, like any battered girlfriend, refuses to leave her man and locks herself into the chapel with them.
Freddy eventually dies and like any good boyfriend would do, tries to eat Tina's brains. Burt and the gang open the chapel to save her stupid ass while Frank sneaks out during the confusion to do the honorable thing and burn himself up in the crematorium. Rick James snaps and acts like a little bitch until Ernie knocks some sense into him.
Nice to see the black guy in a zombie movie being the pussy for once. ROTLD defies all the conventions! Ernie's foot is broken, so Burt and Rick James decide to steal one of the cars from the many cops who have come to be killed in the graveyard and pick up Ernie and Tina. This plan leads to the following conversation:
Rick James: I'll drive
Burt: No, I'll drive
Rick James: FUCK YOU
This is award wining dialogue people. If only a "I'm Rick James, BITCH" could have ended up in there somewhere.
The army of zombies forces Burt and Rick James to abandon Ernie and Tina and to instead look for the cops. Too bad that the zombie army has taken to the streets and they crash the car, eventually getting back to the medical supply warehouse with the forgotten preppie and hairspray girl characters.
Back at the crematorium, Ernie and Tina have locked themselves into a crawlspace and Freddy is trying to get at them. He pours his heart out to Tina, saying that if she really loves him she'll let him eat her brains. It's true. That stuck up bitch should be offering her skull to him freely.
The cops outside stand no chance against the zombie army and everything turns to shit like any protest in Seattle. Burt finally breaks down and calls the number on the side of the busted canister, reaching the rich army guy with a computer in his study. The army always has the solution, and so they nuke the ever-loving shit out of the entire town just as Freddy is about to kill Tina and Ernie.
As is the usual with the government's "Blow everything to shit, ask questions later" policy, their plan doesn't turn out to be that great as the ashes of the nuked town rise up into the clouds and incite another rainstorm and a new army of zombies gets READY TO PARTY.
It's on this cherry note that our film ends, but there's no way to really be down about all the main characters dying while "IT'S PARTY TIME" blares over the credits. The filmmakers of ROTLD pretty much knew that zombies were losing their scary factor. We all love zombies, so why not just give them the opportunity to rock out and do what they do best without all that horror shit?
ROTLD is a breath of fresh air for the zombie genre and never seems to lose its luster no matter how many times you view it. It's so tongue in cheek and just so god damn 80's that it's irresistible. The sequels wouldn't turn out to be so awesome, but it's really hard to duplicate everything that made this movie so awesome.
After being out of print for years and years, MGM released this film on DVD and gave it a few snazzy extra features. You can usually score it for the low price of 9.99, a real steal for how much entertainment you'll get out of it. So get off your ass and go buy it, and while you're at it, send some more paramedics.
10/10
