The Italian release of Dawn of the Dead was handled by one Lucio Fulci, who decided to improve upon the film by editing out all that shitty "character development" and "moral of the story" crap and instead give the Italian public what they really wanted - nothing but zombie gore.
Lucio's cut, titled "Zombie" in Italy, did so well that he decided to cash in on Dawn by adding a few scenes to an existing zombie movie he had already finished. Thus, the aptly titled "Zombie 2" was made for Italy, although when it came to the states it was called just plain "Zombie." With any Lucio Fulci movie, you know that the only thing you should expect is gore.
Not just regular gore, but some pretty extreme stuff that'll make you squirm in your seat if you're not a super hardened gore fiend. Today we honor this gore fest and all the firsts it gave us, such as a zombie fighting a shark.
The movie begins with the last thing a zombie sees - a gun barrel. The camera pans over to what the gun was pointed at - a body in a sack slowly rising up. The man with the gun shoots the head, causing something resembling a turkey leg to pop out of the sack.
Then gunman then says that the crew can leave now. I guess he needed a posse to take out that one sack body. The movie then launches into the rocking cheap Casio synth Zombie theme that sounds like it came from an 80's Capcom game. There's not a lot of talent involved with this picture so the opening credits end pretty quickly.
Our next location is an abandoned boat washing into a harbor in some city, although it really isn't abandoned. Can YOU figure out the mystery of what's on the boat in time to save the day? Maybe you can, but the harbor officials can't as they blindly walk onto the boat and get attacked by the stealth sailor zombie who was hiding on board and resembles a crusty Tor Johnson.
The sound effects in this film are really bizarre. For example, when one of the harbor cops sees some worms the movie plays a wave effect that makes you feel like throwing up. I guess the point is that these worms are really fucking gross and that zombies aren't really that gross in comparison. That's Italian horror sensibilities for you.
The cops are troubled that one of their own has been eaten by a zombie on a boat and actually take the time to track down the owner of the boat, or rather the daughter of the owner. The dubbing in the film is really top notch as it seems totally random whether or not it's going to choose to match the actor's mouths.
It's very off in one scene in which an editor in chief sends off one of his reporters, Peter West, to cover what just went on in the boat. It's at the boat yard that the reporter meets with the grief stricken daughter of the boat's owner, Anne Bowles, and they let their powers combine.
At the morgue, the deceased cop from the boat comes alive and it turns out he brought some horrible synthesizer music back with him from the afterlife. I guess the doctors performing the autopsy are deaf since they can't hear the ear piercing shriek of the synth and proceed to allow the zombie to tear copious amounts of flesh off of their bodies with his teeth. At least, I'm assuming that's what happened since the killing is only implied and is never shown on camera.
What an un-characteristic cop out for an Italian horror movie. Meanwhile, Anne shows Peter a letter she received from her father in which he said that he had contracted a disease on the island he was researching and is being prevented from leaving. Anne and Peter take a plane, determined to find out what's up with her dad. This is almost how my script for "Startropics - The Movie" began.
The island is only reachable by boat so Anne and Peter have to find a captain. They don't get stuck with Captain Ron (which would have resulted in a much better movie) but instead have to travel with an American couple on vacation, Brian Hull and Susan Barrett.
Just by Brian's grizzled beard you can tell that this man is wise when it comes to the sea. Brian agrees to take them to the island even though the natives say it's cursed. What do those fucks know anyway?
On the cursed island, Dr. Maynard and his wife are stranded and unable to contact anyone by means of radio. His wife, Paola, proceeds to bitch him out like the man WANTS to vacation on an island full of zombies. The good doctor can't stay along and argue with his uppity woman as he's got some more patients at the "hospital," where they keep all the captured zombies.
Paola is quite the magnificent actor, displaying all the acting range of a MAD TV cast member. It almost makes you not feel so bad when she gets her comeuppance. Almost.
As the good guys sail towards their island, we are presenting with the defining moment of Zombie's cheesiness. Susan wants to take some photography underwater so Brian stops the boat. Susan gets topless for no real reason and puts on her dive equipment.
While she is taking pictures underwater, she isn't alone. There's a SHARK underwater! Susan avoids the shark as best she can before the shark itself is attacked - by a mother fucking UNDERWATER ZOMBIE. A corpse mysteriously blessed with the ability to sink and stay on the bottom of the ocean as he walks from the island to civilization.
At last the age old question of "Could a zombie kick a shark's ass?" is answered. It's a thrilling battle, made even more thrilling by the fact that you can see the walls of the tank they're fighting in. Ocean battle my ass. The fight reaches its heart-pounding conclusion when the shark just gets kinda pissed off and swims away since the zombie tasted like shit. Zombie wins - Flawless Victory. Well, except for the fact that his arm got bitten off.
This is THE scene that everyone remembers from Zombie and in the future when super intelligent beings dig through the remaining artifacts of our dead society, I hope they find a copy of Zombie and say "Those humans made a movie where a zombie fights a fucking SHARK! Those guys kicked ass."
Back on the cursed island, the natives are doing native things while the doctor takes care of his "patients." Paola is taking a shower at home while unbeknownst to her, a peeping tom zombie is waiting outside, probably jerking off (Although the movie "I, Zombie" showed the world that when zombies jerk off, they usually literally jerk their dicks off their bodies).
Paola hears a noise outside and emerges from the shower to catch the zombie trying to open the door. She ends this attempt by smashing his fingers off in the door, but he is not to be denied. The zombie bursts through the wooden door and grabs Paola's head, trying to pull her through his newly made hole.
What he does accomplish is pulling her eye right into a huge ass splinter, and Lucio Fulci is very happy to show it penetrate the eye in excruciating detail, then show the zombie turn her head and break the splinter off in her eye. Did I mention this movie came with barf bags in the theater as its gimmick? The special effects in the movie still hold up decently today.
It's more of the idea of what's happening to the character than the actual depiction of it. It's hard to watch the splinter scene and not want to cover your eye up with your hand. Fulci sure knows how to kill any arousal gained by the shower scene a few moments ago.
The shark battle damaged Brian's ship, so all of the good guy gang is pretty much stranded on Evil Island. The island is a ghost town. The only things left are zombies and the scared shitless villagers.
The good guy crew meets up with the demented Doctor who tells Anne about the fate of her father, who used himself as a guinea pig to try to find out how to stop the zombie virus. Needless to say he failed and had to be put down. Anne responds to this by speaking in a monotone voice and not seeming to care that much at all about her dead father. He must not have given her a pony for her birthday or something.
The doctor asks the good guy crew to check on his wife while he takes care of business at the hospital. The plague continues to spread as zombies run wild, well, shamble wild through the shanty town streets.
The Scooby Gang stumbles upon Paola's corpse and the zombies having a damn good meal with it. It's nice to know that zombies are so open to sharing their hard earned kills. The good guys don't feel much like joining in the feast and flee from the scene post haste.
Back at the "hospital" the doctor is finishing up his prescriptions for the day, which primarily consist of shooting his patients in the head. That's one way to cure disease I guess. The moronic good guys find a way to crash their jeep and set off for the hospital on foot.
Peter injures his ankle so the group rests for a while. Peter makes his move on Anne but as he's nearing second base, zombie hands pop out of the ground and grab at them. Hey, the dead are wanna cop a feel too. Brian goes to help, leaving Susan to stare at another zombie as it starts to rise out of the ground at a 90 degree angle without even having to bend his knees.
Being undead gives you the ability to defy physics. The zombie only has to rise out of about a half inch of soil. Nice job with that burial you lazy ass natives. Like any good zombie, he does his civic duty and tears a chunk out of Susan's neck.
This particular zombie is quite endearing and his excellent "rise up and bite people" skills made him appealing to all ages, eventually leading to him becoming the poster child for all video and theatrical releases of "Zombie" in the states. His fame is short lived, however, as Peter knocks him down and chops off the top of his head with a wooden cross. Peter was just jealous of the zombie's star power.
As our remaining heroes flee, the zombies all over the island began to rise from their graves to the tune of the awful "Zombie" synth song. It's a piercing MIDI so awful that it makes the dead rise from their graves to kill the keyboard performing it.
(Click here to take a listen)
The do-gooders make their way to the hospital and barricade themselves inside, stocking up weapons for a final confrontation with the zombie horde. The doctor is the first to go when one of his patients decides to eat his face off. The doctor's native man servant is next when a zombie makes a meal out of his arm.
Just like Susan, the nurse of the hospital just stares blankly at the approaching zombies and gets eaten alive. I figure that if I saw zombies I'd MOVE or something, but that's just me. The final battle takes place with Peter, Brian, and Anne throwing Molotov cocktails at the zombies while, of course, the awful "Zombie" theme plays. To make a long story short, the humans win the battle.
Brian gets bitten courtesy of his dead wife who decided to come back from the dead just for him. He survives long enough to get onto the boat and escape but succumbs to the bite and dies.
Peter puts a bullet into him when he turns into zombie like any good friend would do. The last two heroes, Peter and Anne, sail back to the harbor from whence they came.
They turn on a radio and we get to hear the announcer who reads off reports of zombies infesting the city and screams with all the cheese he can muster as the zombies break into the radio booth and eat him. Zombies win the pennant! Zombies win the pennant! Do you believe in miracles?
